Death

Few things are sure in this life, but death is certainly one of them. This week my sister's grandpa-in-law passed away after a battle with cancer and a stroke. He went down hill quickly and is rejoicing in Heaven. He spent his life well and his family has peace knowing he is with his Savior. As our family discussed how we could best love his family my other sister and I decided we would make a donation to charity rather then send flowers.
(When my father-in-law passed away in April there were TONS of flowers. Literally hundreds of dollars spent on things that will die too. I don't get it.)
So anyway in discussing what we should give to in Leon's honor and asking what he was passionate about, I began thinking what I'd want people to give towards when I died. (I mean it! When I die do NOT send flowers or plants. Give to something, anything that does good in the world. And love my family. Feed them. Cry with them. Take care of them. I hope my casket and my boys are all that fills the front of the church when I go. Remind my family of this good blog readers.)
So here's my list of what I hope people do in my memory based on my passions...
What I pray my life shows over my words and short comings...
What I hope will go on after my time on earth is through...
What my children will learn from watching me...
1. The Gospel. I know, I know token "preacher's wife" thing to say, but really. I don't mean being a good Southern Baptist and going to church every week. I mean loving people. Meeting needs when you see them in the best way you know how. Opening your heart to hurts because the Gospel demands community. Allowing your life to be spent giving of yourself because Jesus gave all of himself for us. Allowing your homes and wallets and calendars to be available for His purposes and plans. I have made VERY SMALL sacrifices for the sake of the Gospel (especially compared to many around the world) but they have not felt insignificant to me. They are worth it. So I would hope people would give to organizations that make the Gospel known, not just by word but also in deed.
2. Orphans. That's such a sad sounding word, kinda scary really. But three such orphans have changed my life and made me who I am, a Mother. Short of the Gospel my orphans saved me from myself and have made me see myself like no one else ever has or probably could have. They have shown me the ugliest, most selfish parts of me and also the parts of me that were made to give away for their sake. I see God differently because of my boys. I see need differently. I see hurts other miss because I've lived them and walked through them with Birth Mothers. We are commissioned to care for the orphans but honestly the blessing of this commandment lies in the heart of the Believer not in what the Believer can do for the child involved. I am the blessed one to get to be a Momma, and not just anyone's Momma, but Tucker, Bennett & Casen's Momma. Best. Commandment. EVER. So give to those in foster care, group homes, domestic, international, special needs, private, closed, open... ANY kind of adoption. Let part of my legacy be giving homes and families to kids who need them.
3. Africa. In 2004 (gulp and I'm old) I spent the summer in Zambia, Africa and it changed me completely. It forever stamped my heart for people in real need. We don't get in America. We can't. But there are still places where running water and electricity are luxuries, not necessities. Where women are still treated like second class citizens. Where rape is expected not reported. Stand in the gap for the defenseless! Support missionaries or orphanages or rescue missions or short term trips. Just love the unreached.
4. My family. My boys. Chris. My sisters. My mom. Maybe monetary gifts wouldn't be needed for them if I died, but your love would be. They would need food. Time. Shared tears. They are my life's investment and I would want to know that I spent my life well. That maybe my influence led my boys to become men who loved Jesus and others more then themselves. That my love would have somehow affected their lives and the way the live it out. I would want to know that no matter when I died that they would be ok.
So there you have it. My list of things to do when I die. I made this list for myself so I would be more conscience of how I'm investing my days. I would hate for people to show up to my funeral and talk about how beautiful the flowers were instead of the places I invested my life. I want to give, go, do and bless more then I take. I've prayed everyday since college that I would be a blessing in some small way and I still pray that is true. Maybe I mean it more now then I did when I started praying that. I hope so.

Mother's Day

Ya know how it's hard to eat a food again that's made you sick before? There's just a bad taste in your mouth about that certain food? Well that's kinda how I feel about Mother's Day. It twists my gut up and makes my eyes well with tears.
For a long time this day represented a club I wasn't apart of. That I didn't know if I'd ever be a member of. A day that the thing I wanted MOST in life was thrown in my face, a waving flag of failure over my head. I would wake up and not want to go to church or participate in the day at all. A couple of years I didn't. I would struggle with hateful thoughts about people who could so easily get pregnant and have babies. I would wallow with my list of new babies in the world (super healthy, I know. Just being honest here) that all of my friends who had become momma's while we had been trying. It was an awful day.
This morning I woke up with the same pit in my stomach. My eyes reaming with tears for friends who I know are in the same miserable boat I was in for so long. Those days seemed to last forever. Worse then the long ones now because I just had myself. My own thoughts to dwell on. Now at least there's plenty of chaos to distract me from my pity party.
My heart also aches for friends who are waiting for their babies who are living on other continents or countries or towns or houses. Ladies who are already Momma's because they've been called to adopt and because of paper work and laws and processes they have to spend this day knowing their baby is out there and they can't be with them. Their broken hearts a testament of the calling on their lives and Momma's love that's already within them.
Then there is the other side of the gift that finally made a Momma out of me. Tucker & Casen's Birth Mom, K, and Bennett's, J. Without the selfless love of these momma's I would probably be locked up somewhere totally crazy. But because they chose us I get to be a Momma. I know today is hard for them because they don't get to be with the boys and watch them grow. They are reminded that their mothering role is over and they graciously have handed that gift over to me. I can't imagine the strength it took to make the choices they did. It's a weighty thought to know someone literally CHOSE me to raise their son(s). Pray for these girls who put the needs of their children first and bless those of us who can't become Momma's on our own. They are unsung heros!
I think of how I still feel when the subject of our infertility comes up. I think of how far I've come, but how I still mourn the idea that I will never know what pregnancy feels like. The discomforts, the movements inside, labor. Knowing someone from the inside. Seeing what the person Chris and I made would be like. What of each of us they would take to make themselves. There is still mourning.
Be sensitive today, friends. Not everyone can have babies easily. Not everyone gets to join the ranks of motherhood without a long road of hurts. We all bear scars from becoming mothers. Some of them are visible on your bodies. Stretch marks. Saggy skin. Others are hidden on our hearts. Loss. Feelings of self doubt and worthelessness. Failures. Hormones. Invasive treatments.
Motherhood is a difficult business. A roller coaster of emotions for its very onset. A day that celebrates those ladies is no different.

2103 Review

2013 was definitely one for the record books for our family! We hit major milestones, added new members and celebrated Gotcha Days, weddings, births, and moves this year. Here it is in pictures... I kinda can't believe we all made it!

I turned the big 3-0 in January. We celebrated with a fun family dinner.

February 4th we added our third little boy to the family. We happily welcomed Casen Cole to our crazy bunch!

Holy cow! We have three boys under three! Bennett's face is how we felt... Not positive this was a good idea for any of the five of us!

Aunt Sass gave Bennett his first hair cut.

In April I joined Thirty-One and it has been a huge blessing to me and a gift to my sanity!

Happy Easter!

Tucker turned 3 in April! I'm not sure how that's possible.

On Mother's Day we got to dedicated Bennett and Casen at FBC Sayre and their Daddy got to do the honors. One of the benefits of being a PK I guess.

Our sweet Emrie girl gave her heart to Jesus and was baptized in May at FBC Purcell. We're so proud of her and thankful for her decision to follow Christ.

 In June we married this one off! I still can't really wrap my mind around that. She was a stunning bride and the wedding turned out beautifully, despite that the rehearsal dinner was spent trying to out run tornados. The new brother in law is ok too! Although he moved her to Denver so that's a pretty big strike for the big sisters to get over.  

We loaded up for one last summer at Falls Creek. Bennett, Tucker and I stayed for all but one and half days of camp, but we went early so we really made it a week. They did great and were spoiled as usually by our great Sayre church family. I don't know that Tucker ate anything but dessert all week, but we all had a great time.

We spent lots of time in the water and outside. The sprinkler, pool and lake were all big hits for Tucker this summer! Bennett also loved the water. 

We took our first trip to the ER for stitches. Bennett knocked a mirror over and cute Casen's head open pretty good. Little brother was a trooper and didn't really complain much at all. First of many trips like this I'm afraid with our brood.

Tucker played wee ball this summer. It was something else. Pretty cute even if he never really did what he was supposed. I don't know that Tuck is our baseball player but he loved it anyway!

Aunt Sass also got a hold of Casen's curls for the first time this year.

 I got to cross a HUGE item off my bucket list. Garth Brooks came to Norman in July for a tornado relief concert and our good friend got us tickets! It was blazing hot, but TOTALLY worth it! I might of cried a little, but we sang along with every word of his hits and loved getting to see Garth live. I was also astounded at how much he looks like my dad. Weird.

On August 15th we officially added Bennett as a Gordon. His Gotcha Day was so special because we got to do it in Sayre surrounded by lots of people who love us. 

 Bennett's first plane ride. We went for a visit to North Carolina for Chris to check out Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. Ben enjoyed being an only child for a few days and he was a trooper on our trip. Fun memories!

At the end of September we packed up one house and moved to another. We left our church family in Sayre to move to FBC Greenfield where Chris is now a pastor. It's been a wonderful experience so far, however I remembered how much I hate packing and moving. It was even worse with three tinys to help.

 October 1st was Casen Cole's Gotcha Day. We stood before the same judge that added Tucker to our family. We were so excited to finalize all our adoption stuff for a while at least.

On October 13th our sweet Bennett Harris turned one year old. I really can't believe we all made it to this landmark. There were/are many days that I don't know that we will. 

Later that week our BH got really sick and had to spend a night in the hospital with striker. No fun, but made me really appreciate my healthy children. I can't imagine having a baby that was really sick and had to spend lots of days in that baby cage. 

 Chelsie came home from Denver so we could make our annual sister trip to the Affair of the Heart. I'm so thankful for my sisters and couldn't have picked better best friends. I can't imagine life without them!

 For Halloween we had a Very Hungry Caterpillar and two pears that he ate right through. I've had this caterpillar costume for two years and it finally fit! I just can't get over how cute they are. I do love a good theme as well. We spent Halloween at the church carnival and went to several of our new church members houses to trick or treat. 

The weekend of Thanksgiving we married of Delton to sweet Sarah. They got married in Stillwater and our favorite Poke showed up to the reception. Tucker was a super cute ring bearer but when Pete shot his guns he hit the deck and refused to get close to him. We're so happy to have Sarah in our family now!

 The littles loved the Christmas tree and helped decorate it a little everyday. I found cars, tractors, balls and various other toys in it nearly every day. 

 

Tucker and I took a special trip to Denver to visit Aunt Chelsie and Tuck got to take his first flight. He loved it! It was so fun to just have Tuck time. He's getting so big these days.

 We've made lots of new friends at our new church. The nursery is full for SEVEN boys all born between October and March. Here's some of our boys before they made their Christmas play debut as sweet sheep. 

 Right before Christmas Bennett had surgery to remove a cyst that was above his left eye. He did great!

 Looking spiffy for church the week before Christmas. Pictures are always a crap shoot with these boys. Oh well. I better get used to it I guess. This was also on our Nana and Papa's 60th wedding anniversary. We joined their party that afternoon. What a legacy! 

I got to finish out the year with a fun college roommate reunion. These girls met me in Purcell for dinner and a slumber party. It was wonderful to see them!

We've been busy this year! Add in Thanksgiving, Christmas and Chris had neck surgery the day before Christmas Eve and I'm not sure what else can happen next. 2014 will have to have a lot to offer to our do 2013. I pray it's more peaceful and we all fall more in love with each other and Jesus. I'm way ok with less exciting! I'm not sure I can take much more. ha. 

Well there ya have it. 

College Roommate Reunion

   Oh how I love these girls! Four of the six of my roommates from the Philly House got together right after Christmas to love on each other for a few hours because Kristin was in Oklahoma. Everyone met at my mom's house and spent a lovely evening together. We had a great dinner at Local in Norman and then they all stayed for a slumber party. The time we spend together is so sweet because it's so rare. These girls were each a huge part of my college experience and I'm so thankful for their rich friendships that pick up right where we left off. Thirty looks a lot different then twenty did, but having friends that have seen both and still like you is a huge blessing! I'm so glad we made the time to see each other.

Judah also made his Philly Girl debut and we all loved getting to snuggle with him throughout the reunion. He was a trooper because we kept him out late, but just having one baby amongst the four of us was also a treat for the momma's of the group! Although I think Megan was his favorite.

Until next time my sweet roommates! Love ya'll dearly!

Tucker's First Day of "School"

Tucker William,
You are growing up so fast! You amaze us everyday at the things you say, the games you play and the sweet way you love. You've always been tender hearted but as you've become a big brother your protectiveness has really started to show, even when it's between your littles. I hope you always act as a protector. (Although your methods of communicating this spirit could be refined a little bit.) You love your brothers and friends deeply and look forward to anytime you get to see them. Church is just about your favorite place to go, except for Granna's. You are a wild man with lots of energy. You love cars, wrestling and watching movies. Your imagination is super active! You wake up spilling with stories of things you've dreamed about. Your cars also tell some really funny stories while you play.
Today you started a Mother's Day Out program in Watonga. You will go two days a week all day and I hope that it is wonderful for you. I know you will love the social aspect and I hope that the structure will also help you develop and grow to be ready for "real" school next fall. We will see how it goes! I know it will be a transition for you to get used to school rules and teachers instead of Momma.
As this day approached I was overwhelmed with how fast you're growing up. I feel like we just brought you home from the hospital last week and now you are big enough to go to school all day without your momma. You did tell me you would miss me and it might make you sad for me to leave you. But you didn't seem to mind when I did leave. You are still a big boy and a big talker. You are an extreme extrovert. You've never met a stranger and much to my dismay you love to strike up conversations with everyone you meet. You also have a gift of making it awkward if they don't respond to you. You just call them right out on not hearing you. Bless it. I hope in school you learn that sometimes you have to be quiet and listen. Never a dull moment.
We are working to help you to be obedient. You are a little too smart for your own good sometimes and talk back or respond hatefully when you don't get your way. We have tried lots of different types of discipline but none seem to affect you for long. We hope school will add another positive discipline source for you and help you learn that reactions are important and that you are not the only kid in the whole world.
You will learn more about reading, writing and early preschool lessons. I think your teachers will be surprised by how quickly you learn and how well you retain things. You are so smart little boy! You make us so proud!
I really can't believe I have a child old enough to go to Mother's Day Out! I know it will be good for all of us, but man it's hard to let go of my eldest little fellow. Tucker I love ya like crazy and I'm so thankful I get to be your Momma. You make me smile and wanna pull my hair out every single day. I know without a doubt you were chosen to be my baby by God Almighty. I have loved watching you grow into a little person and become your own person. You love and feel so deeply. I pray God will grow you into a mighty protector with a tender heart and deep love for others. I pray he will develop characteristics of Jesus in you and that your strong personality will become one of a great leader who will point people toward the Father. You are so special and your Daddy and I love you more then you can possibly understand. Knock em dead baby boy!
Love you more,
Momma

2013 Christmas Letter

To our wonderful Friends & Family,

  We have had a crazy year! 2013 has definitely been one for the record books in our family! This year has been tough, but so worth it to have three healthy, smart, beautiful boys! From births to birthdays to finalizing adoptions to moving churches and changing positions this year has held a whole lot of crazy, a ton of fun and firsts and some struggle just thrown in there for balance I guess! Here’s a little update on each of the Gordon 5... starting with our newest member.

   Casen Cole Gordon arrived on Monday, February 4th at 3:50 pm. He weighed 6 lbs. and 14 ounces and was 20 inches long. He came out fussy and remained so for the first six months of his life. He struggled with colic and reflux for months while we all struggled to adjust to having two babies three months and three weeks apart. (It’s as hard/crazy as you’d imagine.) But thankfully somewhere around the six month mark his whole personality changed and he is the sweetest little booger now a days. He is ten months old (gulp!) and he now weighs 20.4 pounds and is 26.5 inches tall. His favorite things are pulling up, cruising around the furniture and chasing his big brothers. He refuses to be left out of any of the action! He smiles easily and is very friendly. He has handled being the littlest Gordon very well and adjusted to the move with ease. Casen is also starting to talk up a storm. I think his oldest brother may have some competition! Casen can say “Momma, Daddy, Nana/Granna, and Bubba.” He loves to jabber and is rarely quiet. He is such a perfect blessing and addition to our brood of boys. We can’t imagine life without his little three toothed smile and curly black hair. We are looking forward to celebrating his one year birthday in just a couple of months. 

   Bennett Harris turned one in October and is into everything! He loves to run, wrestle and play with both his brothers. Ben’s favorite toys are balls, hats and anything either of his brothers are playing with. He also has a lovie blanket that we do not leave home without! He carries it around and sleeps with it - our little Linus! He weighs 23.13 pounds and is 30 inches tall. Bennett is for sure our most stand-off-ish child. He hasn’t shown much interest in talking although he says “Momma, Daddy, Bubba and Bite.” He is very particular about who he likes/wants and doesn’t like new situations much. He is also our least picky eater. All three boys love to eat, but Bennett will eat just about anything. His favorites are strawberries, turkey and cheese. We are so thankful for Bennett and his quiet spirit. We can’t wait to see all he will learn next year and how he grows. What a blessing this boy has been in our life!

   Tucker William turned three in April and he is ALL that is boy! He is smart as a whip and has taken quite well to being a big brother. He is very tender hearted and doesn’t like it when anyone gets in trouble. He is still a big car guy and also likes books and movies and going to the park. Tuck weighs 48 pounds and is 39 inches tall. One of the things we’ve been working on since this summer is memorizing Scriptures. He knows 10-12 memory verses by heart and loves to learn more! It’s a precious thing to hear your child learning God’s word or singing His praises. He is going to start going to Mother’s Day out in the spring and will probably start school in the fall. He is a social butterfly and loves our new church! He is ALWAYS singing or talking. He loves Veggie Tales, Turbo, the color green and making his baby brothers laugh. He’s so sweet with them! Our oldest is still so precious and amazes us with all he retains, how he loves and his never ending energy! Three has been a trying year, but also rewarding to see how much his little brain is absorbing.

   As I mentioned before, Chris is now a pastor. He’s doing a great job and is feeling very fulfilled in his newest calling. It’s been so fun to watch him step into this new role with passion and grace. I think Greenfield is lucky to have found him! He is great from the pulpit and as always he loves people so well! With three boys under three he doesn’t get much time for hobbies but he still loves to golf, OSU sports and spending time with family.

   This year held some changes for me as well. In April I was drowning in diapers and feeding schedules and needed something that was just for me so I started selling Thirty-One and it has been a fun little extra for me! Sometimes its nice to get dressed in real clothes and go out among other grown-ups. I also became a “Pastor’s wife” and while I will confess I wasn’t exactly looking forward to this role change I am loving Greenfield! We have been so loved and taken care of in our short time here and we are looking forward to developing deep friendships here. Although leaving Sayre after five years was REALLY hard, we couldn’t have asked for a better place to move to. 

   I think we have squeezed just about all we could’ve into one short year and while there have been times I wondered if we’d survive - we’ve made it! I know that is nothing short of a miracle and it wouldn’t have happened without the love and support of our friends and family. God has been so faithful to us! He not only provided the finances for one adoption, but two! He allowed both placements to go smoothly and we were able to finalize both boys this fall. We have watched all three boys grow, learn and flourish. He has also provided us with exactly the right church for Chris to follow God’s call to the pastorate in. Holy Moly! Much better than we deserve for sure! We can’t wait to see what crazy adventures 2014 will hold. 

   Thank you all for the special role you play in our family! We wish you the Merriest of Christmases and the very best 2014! We are unbelievably thankful for each of you!

We love each of you!

Chris, McKenzie, Tucker, Bennett & Casen Gordon 

Bad Blogger

Y'all I have been bad at blogging lately. And not for lack of blog worthy events, but because I can barely make myself sit and read your blogs for some reason, little alone think coherent thoughts to put into words for my own posts.
Since I last posted: Bennett turned one and we had a party. He also got to spend about 28 hours in the hospital. Chris fell off a kitchen chair while keeping all three boys alone and was shortly there after found way out of it by a church friend and got to ride in an ambulance. (He's ok, but has really hurt his shoulder and been in lots of pain.) Halloween has come and gone along with our church's Fall Festival. We also had a semi-disastrous family picture session. Geez - three boys all looking and smiling at the same time is near impossible! All of these things have pictures that accompany them. All of them have stories and information I need to document, should document. But the free space in my brain can't seem to compute. I'll get it done. Some day.
But we're all here. Alive and well. Loving our new home and church family. So until I can muster up some more thoughts there ya have it!