Tucker's First Day of "School"

Tucker William,
You are growing up so fast! You amaze us everyday at the things you say, the games you play and the sweet way you love. You've always been tender hearted but as you've become a big brother your protectiveness has really started to show, even when it's between your littles. I hope you always act as a protector. (Although your methods of communicating this spirit could be refined a little bit.) You love your brothers and friends deeply and look forward to anytime you get to see them. Church is just about your favorite place to go, except for Granna's. You are a wild man with lots of energy. You love cars, wrestling and watching movies. Your imagination is super active! You wake up spilling with stories of things you've dreamed about. Your cars also tell some really funny stories while you play.
Today you started a Mother's Day Out program in Watonga. You will go two days a week all day and I hope that it is wonderful for you. I know you will love the social aspect and I hope that the structure will also help you develop and grow to be ready for "real" school next fall. We will see how it goes! I know it will be a transition for you to get used to school rules and teachers instead of Momma.
As this day approached I was overwhelmed with how fast you're growing up. I feel like we just brought you home from the hospital last week and now you are big enough to go to school all day without your momma. You did tell me you would miss me and it might make you sad for me to leave you. But you didn't seem to mind when I did leave. You are still a big boy and a big talker. You are an extreme extrovert. You've never met a stranger and much to my dismay you love to strike up conversations with everyone you meet. You also have a gift of making it awkward if they don't respond to you. You just call them right out on not hearing you. Bless it. I hope in school you learn that sometimes you have to be quiet and listen. Never a dull moment.
We are working to help you to be obedient. You are a little too smart for your own good sometimes and talk back or respond hatefully when you don't get your way. We have tried lots of different types of discipline but none seem to affect you for long. We hope school will add another positive discipline source for you and help you learn that reactions are important and that you are not the only kid in the whole world.
You will learn more about reading, writing and early preschool lessons. I think your teachers will be surprised by how quickly you learn and how well you retain things. You are so smart little boy! You make us so proud!
I really can't believe I have a child old enough to go to Mother's Day Out! I know it will be good for all of us, but man it's hard to let go of my eldest little fellow. Tucker I love ya like crazy and I'm so thankful I get to be your Momma. You make me smile and wanna pull my hair out every single day. I know without a doubt you were chosen to be my baby by God Almighty. I have loved watching you grow into a little person and become your own person. You love and feel so deeply. I pray God will grow you into a mighty protector with a tender heart and deep love for others. I pray he will develop characteristics of Jesus in you and that your strong personality will become one of a great leader who will point people toward the Father. You are so special and your Daddy and I love you more then you can possibly understand. Knock em dead baby boy!
Love you more,
Momma

Transitions in Ministry

Yesterday something unexpected happened that sent me into an emotional downward spiral. My husband is a youth minister. He has been for our entire relationship. When we started dating I jumped in beside him and have been doing ministry with him for the last nine years. I have gone on nearly every trip, camp, meeting. I've helped make decisions. I've taught, set up, tore down, decorated, organized and co-planned every event we've done. Until this summer. This summer I have three babies.   I knew this was coming when I thought I'd just have two children this summer. Last year I joked all summer that it was my farewell tour to youth ministry. And I thought I was ok with this transition. This summer I didn't go to Super Summer. I was going to up to visit one night and all three of my children decided to hate life and probably me and we didn't go. For the third time since I was a junior in high school I didn't go to Super Summer at all. I can't have the same role and I knew that going into having three boys so close together in age. I have been nearly absent from youth events since the boys arrived in October and February. I have distanced myself preparing for what this summer would feel like. But I guess I didn't do a great job.
Last night was our annual Falls Creek parent/camper meeting. This is no big deal to me. I have never looked forward to it or felt like it was a huge part of what my role has been in the past. That being said... this year Chris made a big deal about me being there. He made me feel really needed and despite myself I got excited to have a purpose in our ministry again. I have missed it, but can't seem to manage all my children and every one else's at the same time. So I arranged with the sweet ladies who stay in the nursery to stay late to keep our boys so I could give my usual speech, take money and forms and meet with our leadership students who I traditionally take to camp on Saturday to set up and decorate. After dropping the boys at the nursery I went to Chris's office to help get things together to find our two very capable interns had everything totally under control. I was still good. Impressed even. They had thought of everything and Chris was relatively not stressed. But then Chris asked me to explain how I usually handle the money/sign up stuff to them. As I was talking I felt like the rug had been pulled from beneath me. My job was being delegated again and it hurt my feelings. After everything was set up and ready to go Chris and I went into the service. He could tell something was wrong and I wasn't wanting to talk about it before the meeting, but he kept asking and as soon as I began to tell him how I was feeling the tight control I was keeping on my emotions busted free. It felt like I was trying to explain the events of a death more then a transition of my role out of ministry with him. Church ended and I was still trying to get a handle on myself. It never happened so I skipped the meeting and brought the boys home. All Chris was trying to do was to take as much stress away from me as possible. He wanted me at the meeting to do the dress code talk and make sure he didn't miss anything. But instead of feeling relieved and taken care of it left me feeling useless and replaceable. All there was left for me to do was try to bring light to the fact that the girls need to dress modestly despite the fact they are spending the week with 2,500 eligible bachelors, all the information being passed on is already in the packet in their parents hands. Useless.
I left the church trying to focus on what's important and not my hurt feelings. Trying to see that me being selfish is not beneficial to our students and more importantly to my husband. He isn't happy that I'm not working with him. He misses me just like I miss him and the time we spent on youth stuff. He is transitioning too. He doesn't like being gone three out of four weeks anymore then I do. But despite my best efforts I was still fuming a little by the time Chris got home.
After the boys and I got home I fed Tucker and Bennett. Bennett then puked up everything he'd just eaten everywhere. So then I bathed Casen and Bennett and thought about this stage in our life. I have the better job. Even covered in puke/spit up/boogers/any other nasty thing three boys can come up with. This is what I've always wanted. I love my boys more then words can ever say.
But it's hard feeling left out. It's hard telling others how to replace you in a role that you've always felt like you couldn't be replaced in. It's hard watching other people love kids that you've invested in for five years and feel like there's no room left for you in it. I know I'm having a pity party. I know I should be thankful for the time I had to do ministry with my husband. I know this isn't Jesus's best for our family/ministry/life. But I feel like I'm at my own funeral saying good bye to a life that I've known for the last nine years. I feel like I have to completely close that part of my life for now because I don't know how to do some things but not every thing without feeling like this. I don't want to cry my eyes out and mourn what's gone. I want to focus on my children and our future. I'm not sure how to pull myself out of this slump. Today I'm just sad. I'm praying that I'll be able to focus on things that are eternal and not my petty feelings. That I will be able to encourage my husband instead of pulling him down in his busiest time of the year. I want him to be able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about me and the boys. That's my part.
I recently was added to a group of Minister's Wives on Facebook and I've been so challenged to hear how precious other wives are when their husbands come home from camp. I am not precious. Ever really. I wish I was, but I have never even thought about how I should react to Chris's homecoming because I've always been coming home too. This week as these ladies kept the home front going. All while they dealt with sickness and single mom-ness while their husbands worked with other people's teenagers. They wrote how they tried to make the house look good, cooked a good meal and fix themselves up so their spouses would arrive home to a peaceful environment. These are things I have honestly never considered before. I want to be gracious and helpful to him even if it looks totally different then it ever has. But this is hard for me too. I'm selfish. I want a break when he gets home! That's what I look forward to every day little alone after two weeks apart. So much of the time I don't think my personality is what a minister's wife should look like. I'm blunt. I'm not a sit-on-the-front-row kinda gal. My children don't behave well all the time, especially the three year old in big church. I don't feel like I fit the mold. But if this life is what God wants for our family I want to give it my best shot! I want to become more precious and less selfish. Again lots of hard things.
If you think about it whisper a prayer for us these next two weeks. I have a feeling they aren't going to be super smooth sailing for the Gord's. Motherhood is hard. Ministry is hard. Marriage is hard. Life is overwhelming. But God is bigger. I know that. His plans are better. I've seen that. I just have to trust that this time is no exception.

Big Moments & Small

Today two cool things happened.
#1. A lady came and cleaned my house for me! Before Casen's arrival Chris and I tried to plan for what our new life would be like. One of the things I knew I'd want done, but wouldn't always have the time and energy to do was to have a clean house. When it's dirty it bugs me. I notice the dust. The grass on the floor. The spots on the mirrors. etc... This week I'd had enough. I can't do it, there's no time or energy left by the end of the day. At least not yet so we called a lady from our church who cleans houses. She came over this afternoon and ever so sweetly cleaned my house! It was GLORIOUS! I feel so much better knowing my house is clean. Everywhere I look I notice how nice it looks. Thank you Gloria Gurley! You are my new best friend!!! It was such a blessing to me!
#2. Gloria and I share a special bond. She adopted her only baby 36 years ago. She told me today that she and her husband, James, had tried to get pregnant over several years and even had two miscarriages. After her second miscarriage they decided not to keep trying. It was too hard. She was eager to pursue adoption after visiting with another adoptive mom, but James was hesitant. They learned they could adopt inexpensively through DHS and after some time his heart soften and they decided to pursue an adoption. They said they would take a baby under three years old. Gloria smiled and tears filled her eyes as she told me about the day they got the call that there was a baby waiting for them after waiting for 22 months on the DHS list. She was at work and couldn't get home fast enough to share the good news with her husband. Two days later they drove to Oklahoma City and met Steven. Their five month old baby boy. She said they were in a room and two people came through the door. A lady and a large black man carrying a baby. As the approached them she held out her hands to the baby and said, "Come here Steven" (who until that moment had been called Shawn) and he looked at her like, "where have you been, Mom?" and came flying into her arms. What a beautiful story! That is a moment you don't ever forget.
Motherhood is made up of moments. Lots of good and lots of bad. Some memorable, but many fade into what becomes the background of our lives. I remember the precise time and place we found out each of our boys were going to be ours. The flood of emotions I felt at that news and meeting them for the first time. I know what that adoptive momma's heart feels like wondering if the bottom is going to fall out with so many things out of our control. But the little things are already fading away. It's harded to recall what Tucker was like as an infant or if Bennett was bigger or smaller then Casen at this age. And that was just a few months ago. As this sweet lady mopped and dusted and scrubbed my house for me she blessed my in ways she probably didn't intend to. She reminded me to soak up this time when my boys are little. Love them extra and rock them without apology. A dirty house will always be there but my babies will only be babies for such a short time. I will always remember the big things, but I want to treasure the smaller ones too. I want to be able to tell new moms stories of my days as a rock with a smile and clarity over sweet memories. The days are long, this is all too true, but the years are so short. Tucker will be three years old in just over a month! How? I don't know. But I do know that even in the moments of frustration and feeling overwhelmed that my calling to be the best momma I can be to these three precious boys remains.

My Three Sons

*Warning: Totally honest post ahead. Read at risk of thinking I've totally lost my mind! (Heck, I probably have!) This is a release and processing place for me. I also want to remember the truth about these first days of having three babies.

Everyone keeps asking how things are going? How we're making it with two babies and a toddler? And the honest answer to that is - holy cow it's a lot! I am overwhelmed. I feel a like I'm treading water and running from one mini-disaster to another. The squeaky wheel definitely gets the grease around here. But the hard part is that this is an endless cycle. Three on one for most of the day is tough!
At the the same time, if I'm being really honest, I feel guilty. I worry that taking on three boys under three was a bad idea. What if it doesn't get easier, like everyone promises? What if we bit off more then we can chew and mess all three of them up forever?
I feel like I'm missing out on precious moments that I'll wish I could remember, but I'm so overwhelmed and flat exhausted that I don't feel like I can really take them in. I want to remember what Bennett was like as a baby. His sweet smiles and content personality. He is just a little charmer and you can't help but smile when you look at his chubby cheeks. I want to remember what Casen was like as a baby. His bright eyes and super soft hair. His beautiful dark skin and tiny fingers wrapping around mine. I want to remember this inquisitive stage that Tucker is in where you can almost watch his brain grow, learn and develop, but my patience runs so short and I get so frustrated with him continually asking me questions that I snap at him even though he's really done nothing wrong. My nerves are raw and a two year old acting two is rough. I don't know that my memories will be very clear in the years to come, shoot next week.
I'm constantly playing catch up with a sink full of dishes and the ever growing laundry so the boys can have clothes to wear and bottles to drink from but anything past that seems out of reach. I haven't cooked a real meal or cleaned much past spills in the month since we brought Casen home. I'm not sure that Tucker has eaten anything healthy in that time frame either. I barely get a shower so I look like the wrath of God all the time. (Yay for visitors!) And as my husband and I pass each other trading off one baby for the other the thought of who we used to be pre-boys crosses my mind and I barely recognize the mere children we were at the time. I know, we asked for it! I couldn't do it without Chris and my family!!! They have been AMAZING! Truly I am married to the best Daddy I know and I was born into the greatest family on the planet. My Nana, Mom and sisters have gone above and beyond to help us. Really. I don't know that we'd have survived past the first  RSV ridden week without them.
Adoption. is. hard.
Parenting. is. REALLY. hard.
In this instance where we have been overly blessed all at once it's hard because God in His wisdom made it so you can't have babies any closer then 11 months apart. He knew three months and three weeks is just too close for anyone's sanity. But here we are because this is how He chose to build our family. And I know it's His plan. But for now when I feel like I can't see the light of day through dirty diapers, snotty noses and constant needs of these tiny humans that have been entrusted to me I'm needing Him to remind me that this is His plan and more importantly that He will see all five of us through these trying days often. Sometimes moment by moment.
Pray for us. Pray for patience, gratitude, rest and sanity. I want to do the very best I can at this Mom job I have. I know it's important. I want to raise wise, adventurous, compassionate boys who love Jesus, each other and their Momma.  I want to look back on these days and see how they refined me to look more like Jesus. But man, in the middle of this season it's hard to see past the immediate.
Thank you friends for this little venting session. I feel better.

Just the Hem

One of the things I want to remember...

I think all babies develop little comforts that help them fall asleep, calm down or just give them a little reassurance. My sweet fella is no exception. But his "thing" is a little different then most. He doesn't have a special blanket, lovie or stuffed animal that he migrates to. He hasn't used a pacifier since he was four  month old. And he isn't uber attached to a sippy cup. (shout out to Cousin Emrie!) As a child, mine was playing with my hair. I still catch myself doing this if I can't fall asleep, deeply focusing or if I'm worrying about something. It's funny how those things stick with us from the very beginning. Tucker's comfort of choice is the hem of my shirt. Sleeve, bottom hem, collar - he doesn't care as long as he can sneak his little fingers under, run his fingers back and forth, touch my skin or just hold on. 

Tucker has done this since he was pretty small. When I'd give him his bottles with his arm tucked under mine it would only take a few seconds and I'd feel little fingers sneaking their way up the sleeve of my shirt. Now days he does this anytime he gets sleepy or needy. If I'm not holding him he comes and leans his head on my legs and holds the bottom of my shirt. If we're laying or sitting down he prefers my sleeve, but he'll take the collar of my shirt if necessary. Even if I try to avoid it, he persists. It's pretty sweet unless its the middle of the night and he's refusing to go back to sleep or if he has a hang nail. ha.

Today as I was laying down with Tucker for his nap it occurred to me that this is another thing I'll miss someday all too soon and I don't want to forget it. Sweet little fingers finding their comfort in their momma's shirt is pretty precious. I'm so glad I get to do this everyday. I'm reminded not everyone gets to stay home and cuddle with their babies all day. Even on the long days that seem to last forever Tucker reminds me that this is what I was made to do and just how blessed I am to be his Momma. 

Room to Roam

We moved Tucker to a twin bed in October kind of on accident. We happened to go to Tulsa for a few days just to get away and he slept in a normal bed at our hotel so we tried it when we got home. It was a miracle for us because he began to sleep all night for the first time in his life! This glory lasted all of two months. In December we went on a two week ski trip with my family and then slept in various other beds over the holidays. Since then he has decided he'd much rather sleep in the middle. This equals little room for his parents on the edges of our queen sized bed. We have adapted because you get to a certain point and it doesn't matter if your all that comfortable you just must sleep. He starts out in his bed every night and makes it until 3-4 a.m. and then he comes to my side of the bed and says, "hi momma. hey. hey momma. hi." until I reach over and pull him up and over my body to his spot. We have tried getting back up and taking him back to his bed. He then reappears a hour or two later. This week we've just been letting him fall to sleep in our bed and then taking him back to his own.
This morning however, Chris had to go open the church up for some ladies who are working out there at 5:30 a.m. At this point last night Tucker was laying with his head towards the foot of our bed and about half on top of me (as usual, I seem to be his very favorite pillow.) So I had Chris move him back to his bed and it left me and our dog alone. It was fabulous. I rolled over and stretched out. Such luxury! Chris and I have been talking about upgrading to a king size but this morning I told him maybe I'd just keep the old one just for me. Man it was nice to stretch out and not have anyone snoring or on top of me or making me hot or kicking me or anything else.
I've always loved my bed, but now that the space is so limited when I have it all to myself I love it all the more!

Goals

Lately I have found myself lacking motivation. Like I seriously don't want to do anything and nothing is getting accomplished. At the end of the day I feel frustrated with myself because I've wasted another day. Sure I play with Tucker and take care of him, but not much else gets done. Every once and a while that'd be ok but on a regular basis its not good for my psyche, my house or my family. So I'm going to make some goals for this fall. Some big ones, some small. But just a list to make me think through some things that I want to accomplish.
#1. We are going to try to potty train next month. Tuck will be 17 months old and while I know he's young I think its worth a try. If it doesn't work we'll wait a month or two and try again. I REALLY want him to have it down by two. I'm really excited about this and the research I'm doing says that toddlers around 18 months are totally capable. Crossing our fingers!
#2. I want to take a shower every MORNING. I do shower every day, but sometimes its at 1 when Tucker's napping or its 5 when Chris gets home because I don't have anything I have to get ready for that day. I think showering earlier and putting actual clothes on instead of sweats will make me want to do more.
#3. Cut down on unneeded money spending. I find at the end of the month I've bought some things that we don't really need. The main area is clothes for Tuck. He doesn't need anything else, but I always seem to find something on sale or a good deal. I need to only buy what he NEEDS.
#4. I want to be more encouraging to Chris. He recently pointed out that I'm most complimentary of him right after we argue. I don't want that to be true. Parenting and marriage are stressful. Sometimes I blow up over little things Chris does because I'm frustrated with Tuck and then I feel bad so I try to compensate by telling him how much I love/appreciate him. I want to tell him those things just because I mean them, not in an attempt to make my emotional outburst seem more acceptable.
#5. I want to go to lunch with students or friends once a week. Its good for Tuck and I to get out of the house and be around other people. I feel like a hermit sometimes because I go days with Chris being the only other adult I see. Small town living doesn't provide us with busy parks, malls or many activities. Sometimes I find myself feeling jealous of bigger city living because there's just more to do. Even we do go to the park or something we are usually the only ones there.
#6. I want to clean out and organize our garage and office. Both have become catch all rooms and that disorganization annoys me but because its out-of-site and out-of-mind its easy to ignore.
#7. With the things I clean out I want to have a garage sale and really get rid of some of our excess.
#8. I want to read a non-baby related book every month. (I'm taking suggestions) I love to read but have a hard time choosing books sometimes. But its good for me to think about something else.
#9. I want to try a new recipe every week. I'm just getting bored with all my go-to recipes that we eat all the time. (Suggestions also welcome here)
#10. I want to start exercising and eating better. Chris and I both need to lose some weight and I need to be the one pushing us to do it. The extra hot summer has kept us inside a lot.
Ok that's ten. That'll give me something to work on. Hopefully the days won't pass as a blur if I have these reminders of things I'd like to do.