Bennett's 4 & 5 Month Letter

My sweet Bennett boy -
I'm sorry I'm a little behind but the last two months have been very busy! Lots of big changes for you and the rest of our family. When you were three months and three weeks old we added another brother to the ranks of our brood and you became a big brother! This was big news, still is I guess! You are the perfect baby to have lost your spot as the youngest so soon. You are so laid back and just sweet. You love to smile and kick and grab at things. You are already very coordinated and grab exactly what you want with ease. You are almost sitting up and you much prefer your full view over the laying down one you're used to. You are an instant charmer to all who cross your path.

Your favorite things are: Bath time, Tucker, Casen, your jumperoo and your fingers. I think a tooth is close to coming through those sweet little gums because of how much you are slobbering and chewing on anything you get your chubby hands on.

You are wearing size 3-6 month clothes, but I think you are almost too long for those. You wear size two diapers. You weigh around 16 pounds and took your four month shots like a champ.

Your least favorite things are: being left out of what Tucker is doing, being cold or hungry. That's really all I can think of. You are so content. I say all the time how wonderful you are. I can't imagine another baby being as sweet and overall as happy as you are all the time.

The same week Casen was added to our family you crossed a couple of other firsts off your list. You made your first ER trip and were diagnosed with RSV. Not good. But you were so sweet while in the ER with Granna that the doctor didn't even believe you were sick. Poor guy! I think we are finally over sickness after what seemed to be a very long road.

You got your first hair cut this month a'la Aunt Sass. You went through a short molting phase right before Casen was born, but a few odd long spots hung in there. Sass could take it no more so you got your first hair cut a four and a half monts. Right around the same time Tucker got his first trim. You really can barely tell, but I noticed how big it makes you look! 

We are still adjusting to being a family of five. We don't get out much because of the sheer number of you boys, but you are happy to be home and watch your brothers. I think you will be crawling and moving soon because you want to keep up with Tucker SO badly. When you lay on your belly you scoot yourself with ease using only your legs. You also roll over from your belly to your back with no problem at all. You also love Casen. You are so sweet with him. You look at him like he should have a button to push to make him light up or play music. He's your own personal toy! I can't wait to watch all three of you grow up so close together.
I love you my sweet baby. I love rocking you to sleep and the sweet songs you sing as we rock. I will always remember how easy you are and how your smile lights up your whole face! It's the best feeling when you see me and your whole face smiles. I can't believe I get to be your Momma. I love you so much, my little charmer and I can't wait to watch what you become!
Love you more,
Momma

Big Moments & Small

Today two cool things happened.
#1. A lady came and cleaned my house for me! Before Casen's arrival Chris and I tried to plan for what our new life would be like. One of the things I knew I'd want done, but wouldn't always have the time and energy to do was to have a clean house. When it's dirty it bugs me. I notice the dust. The grass on the floor. The spots on the mirrors. etc... This week I'd had enough. I can't do it, there's no time or energy left by the end of the day. At least not yet so we called a lady from our church who cleans houses. She came over this afternoon and ever so sweetly cleaned my house! It was GLORIOUS! I feel so much better knowing my house is clean. Everywhere I look I notice how nice it looks. Thank you Gloria Gurley! You are my new best friend!!! It was such a blessing to me!
#2. Gloria and I share a special bond. She adopted her only baby 36 years ago. She told me today that she and her husband, James, had tried to get pregnant over several years and even had two miscarriages. After her second miscarriage they decided not to keep trying. It was too hard. She was eager to pursue adoption after visiting with another adoptive mom, but James was hesitant. They learned they could adopt inexpensively through DHS and after some time his heart soften and they decided to pursue an adoption. They said they would take a baby under three years old. Gloria smiled and tears filled her eyes as she told me about the day they got the call that there was a baby waiting for them after waiting for 22 months on the DHS list. She was at work and couldn't get home fast enough to share the good news with her husband. Two days later they drove to Oklahoma City and met Steven. Their five month old baby boy. She said they were in a room and two people came through the door. A lady and a large black man carrying a baby. As the approached them she held out her hands to the baby and said, "Come here Steven" (who until that moment had been called Shawn) and he looked at her like, "where have you been, Mom?" and came flying into her arms. What a beautiful story! That is a moment you don't ever forget.
Motherhood is made up of moments. Lots of good and lots of bad. Some memorable, but many fade into what becomes the background of our lives. I remember the precise time and place we found out each of our boys were going to be ours. The flood of emotions I felt at that news and meeting them for the first time. I know what that adoptive momma's heart feels like wondering if the bottom is going to fall out with so many things out of our control. But the little things are already fading away. It's harded to recall what Tucker was like as an infant or if Bennett was bigger or smaller then Casen at this age. And that was just a few months ago. As this sweet lady mopped and dusted and scrubbed my house for me she blessed my in ways she probably didn't intend to. She reminded me to soak up this time when my boys are little. Love them extra and rock them without apology. A dirty house will always be there but my babies will only be babies for such a short time. I will always remember the big things, but I want to treasure the smaller ones too. I want to be able to tell new moms stories of my days as a rock with a smile and clarity over sweet memories. The days are long, this is all too true, but the years are so short. Tucker will be three years old in just over a month! How? I don't know. But I do know that even in the moments of frustration and feeling overwhelmed that my calling to be the best momma I can be to these three precious boys remains.

Casen's One Month Letter

Casen Cole -

You have added yet another special layer to our family! You are so handsome and you feel so tiny after holding your brothers. They both love you so much already, especially Bennett. He looks at you like you have a button to push to make you sing or light up. You are already his favorite toy. Tucker likes you but is usually too busy to do more then pat or kiss you before he's on his way again. The last month has been kinda crazy, but I think we are adjusting and settling into life with you.

The weekend before you were born both of your big brothers came down with RSV. Horrible timing! We got to come home from the hospital on Wednesday and you spent your first week out of the hospital at your Nana Lue & Papa Bill's house while your brothers were quarantined at Granna's house. You were probably as spoiled in your first ten days as you will ever be your entire life. Spoiling is your great grandma's specialty. They LOVED having you and are still sad we had to leave. Dad had to go back to Sayre and work Sunday through Thursday afternoon and then he came back to get all of us. I would spend about a half a day at each house with a shower and change of clothes in between. We wouldn't have made it without the help of your Nana Lue, Granna, Aunt Sass & Aunt Chelsie! We are so lucky to be so loved by our family and that they are so willing to jump in and help!

You were 11 days old when you finally got to come home to our house. We all made it to church and Sunday school when you were 13 days old. Life has been a bit of a blur since we came home. Much of our days are spent juggling babies and big brother. I feel like I'm barely keeping up! But occasionally I get all three of you to sleep at the same times and it's a MAJOR accomplishment! We'll keep getting the hang of this new life of ours with you in it, I promise.

At your two week appointment you weighed 7 lbs. 13 ounces and 19 inches long. You've already gained a whole pound since birth. You have had a bit of reflux or colic which has been awful! You just cry out and can't get comfortable. We finally gave in and got you some medicine that seems to be helping. From about 11 pm to 1 am has been a rough time for you and your Dad and I. I'm so thankful for him because sometimes I just can't take it and he swoops in and saves us both! You are wearing newborns and 0-3 months clothes and newborn diapers. You look so small next to your brother, but you are filling out, especially your sweet cheeks.

You don't seem to be as laid back as Bennett, but you are equally sweet. You love to be held and cuddled while you sleep (which doesn't happen all that often).You are so patient to let Bennett explore you and Tucker check on you. You sleep through most of the loudness that our house offers. You are sleeping 3-5 hours at a time during the night and about 3 hours at a time during the day.
We are so thankful to have such a sweet, healthy third baby boy! You are just so beautiful and everyone fawns over your hair! Your eyes are very alert when you're awake and you really seem to know what's going on.

I had no idea how hard motherhood would be the first time around, but I had a good idea that this season of our life wouldn't be a walk in the park. Having an almost three year old, a four month old and a three week old has been really tricky, but also really rewarding. I try to remind myself everyday to hold you and remember this time in your life. I love to feel your sleeping weight on my chest and kiss your soft hair. I don't want to be so overwhelmed that I don't remember what your baby phase was like so I'm trying to be intentional about hiding moments away to treasure. Thanks for adding another layer of love to our family! I can't wait to see how all this crazy turns out in your life! We love you and are so thankful for you Casen Cole!

Love you more,

Momma

My Three Sons

*Warning: Totally honest post ahead. Read at risk of thinking I've totally lost my mind! (Heck, I probably have!) This is a release and processing place for me. I also want to remember the truth about these first days of having three babies.

Everyone keeps asking how things are going? How we're making it with two babies and a toddler? And the honest answer to that is - holy cow it's a lot! I am overwhelmed. I feel a like I'm treading water and running from one mini-disaster to another. The squeaky wheel definitely gets the grease around here. But the hard part is that this is an endless cycle. Three on one for most of the day is tough!
At the the same time, if I'm being really honest, I feel guilty. I worry that taking on three boys under three was a bad idea. What if it doesn't get easier, like everyone promises? What if we bit off more then we can chew and mess all three of them up forever?
I feel like I'm missing out on precious moments that I'll wish I could remember, but I'm so overwhelmed and flat exhausted that I don't feel like I can really take them in. I want to remember what Bennett was like as a baby. His sweet smiles and content personality. He is just a little charmer and you can't help but smile when you look at his chubby cheeks. I want to remember what Casen was like as a baby. His bright eyes and super soft hair. His beautiful dark skin and tiny fingers wrapping around mine. I want to remember this inquisitive stage that Tucker is in where you can almost watch his brain grow, learn and develop, but my patience runs so short and I get so frustrated with him continually asking me questions that I snap at him even though he's really done nothing wrong. My nerves are raw and a two year old acting two is rough. I don't know that my memories will be very clear in the years to come, shoot next week.
I'm constantly playing catch up with a sink full of dishes and the ever growing laundry so the boys can have clothes to wear and bottles to drink from but anything past that seems out of reach. I haven't cooked a real meal or cleaned much past spills in the month since we brought Casen home. I'm not sure that Tucker has eaten anything healthy in that time frame either. I barely get a shower so I look like the wrath of God all the time. (Yay for visitors!) And as my husband and I pass each other trading off one baby for the other the thought of who we used to be pre-boys crosses my mind and I barely recognize the mere children we were at the time. I know, we asked for it! I couldn't do it without Chris and my family!!! They have been AMAZING! Truly I am married to the best Daddy I know and I was born into the greatest family on the planet. My Nana, Mom and sisters have gone above and beyond to help us. Really. I don't know that we'd have survived past the first  RSV ridden week without them.
Adoption. is. hard.
Parenting. is. REALLY. hard.
In this instance where we have been overly blessed all at once it's hard because God in His wisdom made it so you can't have babies any closer then 11 months apart. He knew three months and three weeks is just too close for anyone's sanity. But here we are because this is how He chose to build our family. And I know it's His plan. But for now when I feel like I can't see the light of day through dirty diapers, snotty noses and constant needs of these tiny humans that have been entrusted to me I'm needing Him to remind me that this is His plan and more importantly that He will see all five of us through these trying days often. Sometimes moment by moment.
Pray for us. Pray for patience, gratitude, rest and sanity. I want to do the very best I can at this Mom job I have. I know it's important. I want to raise wise, adventurous, compassionate boys who love Jesus, each other and their Momma.  I want to look back on these days and see how they refined me to look more like Jesus. But man, in the middle of this season it's hard to see past the immediate.
Thank you friends for this little venting session. I feel better.

Bennett's First Haircut

Bennett was born with a beautiful head of hair. It was super soft and fluffy. When he got out of the bath tub it looked with duck downy and stuck up all over his little head. So sweet! But about a month ago he started shedding. Bad. I started noticing little hairs all over the place and all over him. Then we could tell on his head that his hair was thinning. This left awkward chunks of long hair, especially over his ears, and Aunt Sassie couldn't take it anymore. I finally caved and let her give him a LITTLE trim. He did great and looks super handsome! A special thank you to our favorite big cousin, Emrie, who made silly faces and entertained Ben through the whole hair cut. *Also please ignore the lovely dye job happening with me. Sass also thought I needed a little touch up while I was there.

Casen's Newborn Pictures

I'm so incredibly blessed to be friends with the immensely talented Holli B. She has been a huge blessing in my life since high school for lot of reasons beyond photography. But she has also done newborn pictures of all three of my boys. Every time I'm amazed at how great the images are at capturing these first precious moments. If you have a wedding or a baby coming up she is wonderful!!! Visit www.hollib.com to peruse her talent. For now enjoy how she outdid herself in capturing my sweet new baby. 

Casen's Birth Story

Casen's birth was like his entire adoption -- totally different than the other two. His was the only one that we had a pre-existing relationship with his Birth Momma. We've known K for almost three years and have walked through Tucker's adoption, maintaining a relationship, unknowns and plenty of surprises with her. We have watched her roller coaster life from a distance and been able to be one of the very few constants. Our relationship has been much the same as everything else in her life - it's had plenty of ups and downs. But we know her. We know where she lives, how she lives, who she lives with and it is unsettling when she's not carrying your child. But when she is it was hard. Really hard sometimes. I'm friends with her on Facebook (which I do NOT recommend to any other prospective adoptive Mommas out there) and so I know a lot or at least a slice of what's going on with her day to day. It's scary when you know the things that she's doing that could affect your baby. It's hard to trust, forgive, love unconditionally and hold your tongue sometimes.
We also weren't seeking this adoption. With both other boys we put ourselves out there and were ready to add to our family. Three months and three weeks in between middle and little is a lot closer then we had planned. We were asked without seeking. The answer was easy and immediate for us, but it still was different.
Just like every other step of the process Casen's delivery was different too. I went with K to her last doctors appointment the Wednesday before his arrival. She was anxious, uncomfortable and tired of being pregnant. I was anxious, antsy and worried after waiting the longest we'd ever waited for a baby. September 10th to February 4th is a long time to us! The doctor told us that if Casen didn't come over the weekend he would induce K the following Monday morning at 5:30 am. She was determined to get things started so we tried a couple of labor inducing wives tales that didn't work and I headed home, well back to Purcell where the big brothers were staying with my Nana. When I got back to town I went to get a manicure since the boys were both sleeping. As I was leaving the nail salon my mom called to tell me Tucker woke up from his nap running a fever and our plans for the next few days derailed. Chris and I decided for the boys and I to stay put in Purcell and he'd come to us Thursday after work. Both boys continued to get sicker. Snottier. Coughing more. Fussier. Great! Just what you want a few days before a new baby is born into your family. We called our doctor and I asked nurse friends who all said just wait it out. So on Saturday night Chris and I headed back to Sayre for church leaving our partially sick children with my family. On Tuesday both boys tested positive for RSV and remained in Purcell for a full week after Casen came home. We quarantined the older boys at my mom's house and Casen stayed with my Nana. I went back and forth between the three boys with showers and changes of clothes in between. It was a rough week for all of us!
Chris and I headed to Lawton late Sunday afternoon and had dinner with K. As we settled into our hotel room my nerves won out over sleep until about 1 am. I knew we had to get up extra early, but knowing our baby was coming the next day left me restless. I had never known with certainty I was going to meet a son the next day before.
At 4:15 my alarm went off and as I opened my eyes something else happened. Sharp pain shot through my left eyeball. I tried to blink, wash it out and had Chris look to see what was in my eye. Nothing helped. It watered for the next three days without relief. It got a little better during the middle of the day Monday and I was at least functional, if not totally comfortable for Casen's birth. Long story short... I couldn't open my eyes hardly at all. I was in pain for our entire hospital stay and had to have conversations with my eyes closed. I took showers in the dark and was fairly useless to my sweet husband when it came to caring for our new baby boy. We called our Sayre eye doctor who called in some drops for me on Tuesday and they helped a little bit. My mom made me an appointment with an eye doctor in Purcell late Wednesday afternoon where I learned I had torn my cornea. When I opened my eye Monday morning my saggy cornea stuck to my eyelid and it tore when I opened my eye. Neat. The doctor had to make a clean cut around the affected area and I had to wear a band-aid contact (who knew they had those?) for two days and he put me on pain medicine because of how rough I felt. But by Friday afternoon I was feeling MUCH better! Just what every girl wants to hear... she has something else that's saggy, right? This can happen again so he gave me some cream and eye drops to use daily to help prevent it reoccuring. It was super painful, but thankfully eyes heal quickly! Now back to the baby...
We picked up K just after 5 am Monday morning and headed to the hospital. We got her all checked in and hooked up and they started her pitocin around 7:30. She was dilated to a three. The doctor came by and broke her water around 10:30 and K dilated slowly through the day, about half a centimeter a hour. K had two friends to support her all day, my mom and sisters arrived around lunch time and our adoption caseworker came early in the afternoon. We all left her alone around 3 to try to rest and but not long after one of her friends came to get us saying she was ready to push.
K was such a trooper! No epidural and you could barely tell she was even in labor. As a contraction would hit she would close her eyes, take a deep breath and if you weren't paying attention you wouldn't of even know she was in pain. We rushed back to the delivery room and things started moving REALLY quickly! The nurse checked her and confirmed she was at a 10 and began to prep the room. K asked her to hurry, but she didn't think it was urgent yet. K finally called out for people to get in there because he was coming. The nurses didn't even get the bottom of the bed down or both of her legs in the stir-ups when Casen Cole Gordon made his quick enterance. The doctor had just slipped his gloves on in time to catch our new baby boy! K didn't even really push and he was here! Chris got to cut his umbilical chord and the nurses took him to clean him up.
It was over almost before we knew what was happening. As I held K's hand and watched our baby come into the world I was overwhelmed with all that was taking place. It was like I was hovering over the room watching all of the activity. I looked around and into many faces amazed that Casen was here. I hugged this woman who had made me a mother twice as tears streaked down both of our faces, speechless at her gift and her place in my heart. K isn't easy. Our relationship is often awkward and sometimes difficult, but she has given two of the greatest gifts of my life and for that I'm forever grateful. The intimidation I worried over during Tucker's adoption is gone and the possessiveness I felt has been replaced with understanding that there is a special place for both of us in our sons lives.
We welcome our third baby boy! Casen Cole Gordon was born at 4:11 pm and weighed 6 pounds and 14 ounces. He was 18.75 inches long with lots of dark black hair and looking nothing like his brother like we all expected he would. He was super alert for quite a while right after he was born. His big eyes taking in this new world of his and lots of new people. K chose Cole because her middle name is Nicole. We love that he will walk through life with a name from his First Momma and one from his Forever parents because he is a precious combination of both parents and holds pieces of all three of our hearts.
We fell in love just as quickly the third time as we did the first and second. What a blessing this boy is already to our family! Adoption amazes me every time. It's such a beautiful picture of how much God loves us and how He blesses and grows families. We are so confident that the three boys we have were supposed to be ours. Each of their stories and how they became Gordon's is equally special and a miracle. We are so thankful for these two special ladies who have allowed us the honor of parenting the best three fellas in the whole world!