Bring Bennet Home

Friday, May 15, 2009

Pre-Partum Depression

I've shared on my blog before that we've been trying to get pregnant for some time now. That time is two years. Two years ago this month was the first time we stopped birth control and I'll never forget how I thought it would work. I thought that first month would be the ticket to a baby. I'll also never forget how I felt when I started again after that first month free from birth control. We were in Nashville on vacation with some friends and I went in our room and cried for a minute or two with Chris holding me telling me these things take time. How little we realized the truth of that statement. Well with the time that this process is taking I've seen God's hand and I know He has a reason and a purpose for having us wait and I've built a wall that I just don't let myself go to the place that I believe I could be pregnant. It's too big of a disappointment when I'm not. This week, however, I let my guard down and have really let myself think about being pregnant and relishing in the possibilities. This isn't healthy and I know that, but sometimes you just can't help it. Now if/when I'm not, I know the hurt will be huge, something that I don't want to face...again. I told Chris tonight, "I'm just ready for this part to be over." And I really am. It seems like it will never happen for us and it has happened so easily for so many others. It's hard not to be frustrated and not to question. All day I've just been telling myself to Trust the Lord and lean not on my own understanding. But that's not hard sometimes.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Not so good

So it turns out I may not be a very good blogger. It's been over a month since I've written anything. It's not that I haven't had time or nothing blog-worthy has happened or even that I haven't been reading all of your blogs regularly, I don't know what it is. There is something a bit daunting to me about writing about things I think are mundane or just silly. And I'm awful at taking pictures to blog about. I'm going to one someday on my paper route because believe me there are some sites worth seeing in Western Oklahoma on Tuesday afternoons. Everything from water fountains made from old, rusty slides to hand written signs that are kinda funny, but mostly unfortunate.
Summer is just around the corner and that equals BUSY for the Gordon's. We have a jammed pack few months, but we're both really excited. To a youth minister summer is the biggest part of your year and you get to spend the most time with your students. We both feel a great anticipation of what this one will hold for our ministry and for the students of Sayre. It's a really exciting feeling, like the floodgates are about to open.
My step-dad, Gary, was diagnosed with bladder cancer right after Spring Break. He is going to MD Anderson in Houston on Tuesday to begin pre-op testing and will have his bladder and prostate removed May 19th. This may sound bad or like I'm a jerk, but I really don't know how to feel about the whole situation because he's not my dad but he's more then just the average person you hear about having cancer. It's been difficult for me to figure our how to process the whole situation. I know I'm sad for my mom and that Gary has to face such a rough time, and for his kids who he hasn't always been on good terms with, and especially his grandkids who he is a big part of their lives - but I don't know how I feel for me. Does that make sense? I'm heading to Houston at the end of the month to help my mom when he is released from the hospital. Just to run errands or help any other way she needs me. Say a prayer for Gary and the doctors next week. I think the weight of the situation is setting in and he's naturally getting a little nervous.
Chelsie, my baby sister, is graduating from high school in two weeks. It boggles my mind. I'm eight years older then her and she's always been a baby in my eyes. She was 10 when I graduated from high school so it just doesn't seem possible that she should be at this huge transition in her life. She's a great kid with a good head on her shoulders. She is confident in herself and afraid to fight for what she wants. I know she'll be great in whatever the future holds for her and I'm so excited to see what comes next in her life. She's going to OSU in the fall and Europe this summer. I can't believe she's so grown up. I'm extremely proud of who she is and who she is becoming!
Friday night I had a great dinner with my high school friends. We get together semi-regularly and just laugh and catch up. I feel so fortunate to have a group of friends that come from a similar background and we can relate on so many levels. We have an outlet where nothing and I mean NOTHING is off of the table. It's a true blessing to have people know you that intimately and love you all the more for it. I think it's a rare gift to have so many people that I could call on day or night that would bend over backwards to be there for me.
And in honor of Mother's Day: one of my favorite memories of my mom and my best friend... She had go out of her way to be creative on the limited budget of a single mom of three to give us what we needed/wanted. I remember one time she and I were in Norman shopping and It was just the two of us and when it was time for dinner we didn't just go to a drive-thru, mom and I went to a grocery store. We bought a roasted chicken, a bottle of seltzer water (which we didn't realize wasn't plain water until it was too late) and a small bag of chips to share to save some money. We had a little picnic in the mall parking lot and we laughed as we used extra napkins from the glove box to wipe the chicken grease off of our fingers. We did have to go buy a drink because our water was gross! I think we may have left the bones in the parking lot but I don't remember why. I know a lot of people think they have a great mom and I am one of those lucky ones. She has taught me how to be independent and trustworthy, honest, loyal, have a good sense of humor and how to handle difficult situations with grace, how to cook, clean,and to be organized. She is a beautiful picture of sacrificial love and has always, will always put her children above all else. I love you mom and hope that one day I get to love my babies as much as you've loved me. You are beautiful and graceful and selfless.