Ya know how it's hard to eat a food again that's made you sick before? There's just a bad taste in your mouth about that certain food? Well that's kinda how I feel about Mother's Day. It twists my gut up and makes my eyes well with tears.
For a long time this day represented a club I wasn't apart of. That I didn't know if I'd ever be a member of. A day that the thing I wanted MOST in life was thrown in my face, a waving flag of failure over my head. I would wake up and not want to go to church or participate in the day at all. A couple of years I didn't. I would struggle with hateful thoughts about people who could so easily get pregnant and have babies. I would wallow with my list of new babies in the world (super healthy, I know. Just being honest here) that all of my friends who had become momma's while we had been trying. It was an awful day.
This morning I woke up with the same pit in my stomach. My eyes reaming with tears for friends who I know are in the same miserable boat I was in for so long. Those days seemed to last forever. Worse then the long ones now because I just had myself. My own thoughts to dwell on. Now at least there's plenty of chaos to distract me from my pity party.
My heart also aches for friends who are waiting for their babies who are living on other continents or countries or towns or houses. Ladies who are already Momma's because they've been called to adopt and because of paper work and laws and processes they have to spend this day knowing their baby is out there and they can't be with them. Their broken hearts a testament of the calling on their lives and Momma's love that's already within them.
Then there is the other side of the gift that finally made a Momma out of me. Tucker & Casen's Birth Mom, K, and Bennett's, J. Without the selfless love of these momma's I would probably be locked up somewhere totally crazy. But because they chose us I get to be a Momma. I know today is hard for them because they don't get to be with the boys and watch them grow. They are reminded that their mothering role is over and they graciously have handed that gift over to me. I can't imagine the strength it took to make the choices they did. It's a weighty thought to know someone literally CHOSE me to raise their son(s). Pray for these girls who put the needs of their children first and bless those of us who can't become Momma's on our own. They are unsung heros!
I think of how I still feel when the subject of our infertility comes up. I think of how far I've come, but how I still mourn the idea that I will never know what pregnancy feels like. The discomforts, the movements inside, labor. Knowing someone from the inside. Seeing what the person Chris and I made would be like. What of each of us they would take to make themselves. There is still mourning.
Be sensitive today, friends. Not everyone can have babies easily. Not everyone gets to join the ranks of motherhood without a long road of hurts. We all bear scars from becoming mothers. Some of them are visible on your bodies. Stretch marks. Saggy skin. Others are hidden on our hearts. Loss. Feelings of self doubt and worthelessness. Failures. Hormones. Invasive treatments.
Motherhood is a difficult business. A roller coaster of emotions for its very onset. A day that celebrates those ladies is no different.