Mother's Day

Ya know how it's hard to eat a food again that's made you sick before? There's just a bad taste in your mouth about that certain food? Well that's kinda how I feel about Mother's Day. It twists my gut up and makes my eyes well with tears.
For a long time this day represented a club I wasn't apart of. That I didn't know if I'd ever be a member of. A day that the thing I wanted MOST in life was thrown in my face, a waving flag of failure over my head. I would wake up and not want to go to church or participate in the day at all. A couple of years I didn't. I would struggle with hateful thoughts about people who could so easily get pregnant and have babies. I would wallow with my list of new babies in the world (super healthy, I know. Just being honest here) that all of my friends who had become momma's while we had been trying. It was an awful day.
This morning I woke up with the same pit in my stomach. My eyes reaming with tears for friends who I know are in the same miserable boat I was in for so long. Those days seemed to last forever. Worse then the long ones now because I just had myself. My own thoughts to dwell on. Now at least there's plenty of chaos to distract me from my pity party.
My heart also aches for friends who are waiting for their babies who are living on other continents or countries or towns or houses. Ladies who are already Momma's because they've been called to adopt and because of paper work and laws and processes they have to spend this day knowing their baby is out there and they can't be with them. Their broken hearts a testament of the calling on their lives and Momma's love that's already within them.
Then there is the other side of the gift that finally made a Momma out of me. Tucker & Casen's Birth Mom, K, and Bennett's, J. Without the selfless love of these momma's I would probably be locked up somewhere totally crazy. But because they chose us I get to be a Momma. I know today is hard for them because they don't get to be with the boys and watch them grow. They are reminded that their mothering role is over and they graciously have handed that gift over to me. I can't imagine the strength it took to make the choices they did. It's a weighty thought to know someone literally CHOSE me to raise their son(s). Pray for these girls who put the needs of their children first and bless those of us who can't become Momma's on our own. They are unsung heros!
I think of how I still feel when the subject of our infertility comes up. I think of how far I've come, but how I still mourn the idea that I will never know what pregnancy feels like. The discomforts, the movements inside, labor. Knowing someone from the inside. Seeing what the person Chris and I made would be like. What of each of us they would take to make themselves. There is still mourning.
Be sensitive today, friends. Not everyone can have babies easily. Not everyone gets to join the ranks of motherhood without a long road of hurts. We all bear scars from becoming mothers. Some of them are visible on your bodies. Stretch marks. Saggy skin. Others are hidden on our hearts. Loss. Feelings of self doubt and worthelessness. Failures. Hormones. Invasive treatments.
Motherhood is a difficult business. A roller coaster of emotions for its very onset. A day that celebrates those ladies is no different.

Casen's Birth Story

Casen's birth was like his entire adoption -- totally different than the other two. His was the only one that we had a pre-existing relationship with his Birth Momma. We've known K for almost three years and have walked through Tucker's adoption, maintaining a relationship, unknowns and plenty of surprises with her. We have watched her roller coaster life from a distance and been able to be one of the very few constants. Our relationship has been much the same as everything else in her life - it's had plenty of ups and downs. But we know her. We know where she lives, how she lives, who she lives with and it is unsettling when she's not carrying your child. But when she is it was hard. Really hard sometimes. I'm friends with her on Facebook (which I do NOT recommend to any other prospective adoptive Mommas out there) and so I know a lot or at least a slice of what's going on with her day to day. It's scary when you know the things that she's doing that could affect your baby. It's hard to trust, forgive, love unconditionally and hold your tongue sometimes.
We also weren't seeking this adoption. With both other boys we put ourselves out there and were ready to add to our family. Three months and three weeks in between middle and little is a lot closer then we had planned. We were asked without seeking. The answer was easy and immediate for us, but it still was different.
Just like every other step of the process Casen's delivery was different too. I went with K to her last doctors appointment the Wednesday before his arrival. She was anxious, uncomfortable and tired of being pregnant. I was anxious, antsy and worried after waiting the longest we'd ever waited for a baby. September 10th to February 4th is a long time to us! The doctor told us that if Casen didn't come over the weekend he would induce K the following Monday morning at 5:30 am. She was determined to get things started so we tried a couple of labor inducing wives tales that didn't work and I headed home, well back to Purcell where the big brothers were staying with my Nana. When I got back to town I went to get a manicure since the boys were both sleeping. As I was leaving the nail salon my mom called to tell me Tucker woke up from his nap running a fever and our plans for the next few days derailed. Chris and I decided for the boys and I to stay put in Purcell and he'd come to us Thursday after work. Both boys continued to get sicker. Snottier. Coughing more. Fussier. Great! Just what you want a few days before a new baby is born into your family. We called our doctor and I asked nurse friends who all said just wait it out. So on Saturday night Chris and I headed back to Sayre for church leaving our partially sick children with my family. On Tuesday both boys tested positive for RSV and remained in Purcell for a full week after Casen came home. We quarantined the older boys at my mom's house and Casen stayed with my Nana. I went back and forth between the three boys with showers and changes of clothes in between. It was a rough week for all of us!
Chris and I headed to Lawton late Sunday afternoon and had dinner with K. As we settled into our hotel room my nerves won out over sleep until about 1 am. I knew we had to get up extra early, but knowing our baby was coming the next day left me restless. I had never known with certainty I was going to meet a son the next day before.
At 4:15 my alarm went off and as I opened my eyes something else happened. Sharp pain shot through my left eyeball. I tried to blink, wash it out and had Chris look to see what was in my eye. Nothing helped. It watered for the next three days without relief. It got a little better during the middle of the day Monday and I was at least functional, if not totally comfortable for Casen's birth. Long story short... I couldn't open my eyes hardly at all. I was in pain for our entire hospital stay and had to have conversations with my eyes closed. I took showers in the dark and was fairly useless to my sweet husband when it came to caring for our new baby boy. We called our Sayre eye doctor who called in some drops for me on Tuesday and they helped a little bit. My mom made me an appointment with an eye doctor in Purcell late Wednesday afternoon where I learned I had torn my cornea. When I opened my eye Monday morning my saggy cornea stuck to my eyelid and it tore when I opened my eye. Neat. The doctor had to make a clean cut around the affected area and I had to wear a band-aid contact (who knew they had those?) for two days and he put me on pain medicine because of how rough I felt. But by Friday afternoon I was feeling MUCH better! Just what every girl wants to hear... she has something else that's saggy, right? This can happen again so he gave me some cream and eye drops to use daily to help prevent it reoccuring. It was super painful, but thankfully eyes heal quickly! Now back to the baby...
We picked up K just after 5 am Monday morning and headed to the hospital. We got her all checked in and hooked up and they started her pitocin around 7:30. She was dilated to a three. The doctor came by and broke her water around 10:30 and K dilated slowly through the day, about half a centimeter a hour. K had two friends to support her all day, my mom and sisters arrived around lunch time and our adoption caseworker came early in the afternoon. We all left her alone around 3 to try to rest and but not long after one of her friends came to get us saying she was ready to push.
K was such a trooper! No epidural and you could barely tell she was even in labor. As a contraction would hit she would close her eyes, take a deep breath and if you weren't paying attention you wouldn't of even know she was in pain. We rushed back to the delivery room and things started moving REALLY quickly! The nurse checked her and confirmed she was at a 10 and began to prep the room. K asked her to hurry, but she didn't think it was urgent yet. K finally called out for people to get in there because he was coming. The nurses didn't even get the bottom of the bed down or both of her legs in the stir-ups when Casen Cole Gordon made his quick enterance. The doctor had just slipped his gloves on in time to catch our new baby boy! K didn't even really push and he was here! Chris got to cut his umbilical chord and the nurses took him to clean him up.
It was over almost before we knew what was happening. As I held K's hand and watched our baby come into the world I was overwhelmed with all that was taking place. It was like I was hovering over the room watching all of the activity. I looked around and into many faces amazed that Casen was here. I hugged this woman who had made me a mother twice as tears streaked down both of our faces, speechless at her gift and her place in my heart. K isn't easy. Our relationship is often awkward and sometimes difficult, but she has given two of the greatest gifts of my life and for that I'm forever grateful. The intimidation I worried over during Tucker's adoption is gone and the possessiveness I felt has been replaced with understanding that there is a special place for both of us in our sons lives.
We welcome our third baby boy! Casen Cole Gordon was born at 4:11 pm and weighed 6 pounds and 14 ounces. He was 18.75 inches long with lots of dark black hair and looking nothing like his brother like we all expected he would. He was super alert for quite a while right after he was born. His big eyes taking in this new world of his and lots of new people. K chose Cole because her middle name is Nicole. We love that he will walk through life with a name from his First Momma and one from his Forever parents because he is a precious combination of both parents and holds pieces of all three of our hearts.
We fell in love just as quickly the third time as we did the first and second. What a blessing this boy is already to our family! Adoption amazes me every time. It's such a beautiful picture of how much God loves us and how He blesses and grows families. We are so confident that the three boys we have were supposed to be ours. Each of their stories and how they became Gordon's is equally special and a miracle. We are so thankful for these two special ladies who have allowed us the honor of parenting the best three fellas in the whole world!

Maternal Instincts

Before Tucker was born I worried about an endless string of things. Some turned out not to matter, but others I was happy to have thought out. One of those things was maternal instincts. I wasn't sure how much of those instincts you always hear about came naturally to all females and how much of them were an emotional by-product of carrying a baby. Of creating a life. I worried I wouldn't get a full dose and in some way, beyond my control, I would fail my child just because I couldn't be the one to give him life. I had relinquished the fact I'd never know my babies from the inside of my womb or know what it felt like to breast feed them. I was ok with those things, but I wanted to do all I could in all other areas. I still do.
In the first hours of Tucker's life some of those concerns were quieted. He responded to me quickly. He attached to my heart just as I attached to his. I remember sitting in the hospital room alone with Chris and Tucker when Tuck started to fuss and I rearranged him to my shoulder and quieted him with pats and bounces. Chris asked me how I knew to do that and I realized it wasn't learned, it was instinct.
In the first weeks of Tucker's life I worked to adjust to having this other life in my charge and began noticing others noticing us. One of our first trips to Sam's an older gave us a dirty look and as we rounded to corner I was ready to go give her a piece of my mind! My defensive momma bear instinct reared its head for the first time.
Gratefully, I realize now that because I adopted I'm no less of a Momma then all of my friends who've carried their sweet little lives inside their bodies. It took a while for me to feel like I had officially joined that club. I remember reading other blogs of new mommas and still feeling on the outside of some secret club. I didn't feel justified in some ways. And just as any of them feel right before another life enters their family this week I've been emotional and extra clingy to my two little boys.
Things feel like they're starting to settle down and normalize after adding Bennett in October and the rush of the holidays. I feel normal. It's normal to have a baby again. Tucker's routine is back in it's normal swing. Chris and I are a little more coherent and a little less sleepy all the time. But just as things seem to be evening out... sometime in the next three weeks we will throw all of those comforts away to welcome our third son into his forever family. While I'm so excited to meet Casen and fall in love with him and start this whole baby process over, I'm also nervous. Much in the same way as I was three short months ago before I knew what life would look like with two children. The unknown is nerve wrecking.
A lot of this is probably self doubt. Can I really do it? Three under three. The two youngest just three months apart. How will I feed them both at the same time? How will I carry 50 pounds of car seat plus the babies in them all while hold the plump hand of my sweet toddler everywhere we go? Will I ever go anywhere again? Am I the right person to handle such a big undertaking?
But then I'm reminded of why we're here and who is holding MY hand. It's evident every where I look, especially with our finances. When I look at the figures of these adoptions and I'm blown away with the ways God has provided enough money to bring these boys of ours home. For almost double Chris's yearly salary to have been saved, scrimped, raised, donated or granted is still unbelievable to me. It is no small feet or accident that this is how our family is being built. I know that beyond a shadow of doubt. Tucker. Bennett. Casen. Were all chosen to be Gordon's long before Chris and I could've planned or hoped for it to happen.
I look at my babies and I'm in awe that out of all the babies in the world I got the very best ones. So I think I got all the instincts that matter. My boys are just that. They are MINE. And to me they are perfect and I love each of them with all my heart.
While the next stage of our adventure may be rocky and difficult at times I know that we are surrounded with love and support. Who knows what life will look like a month from now for our family, but I cling to the promises we've been given and firmly believe the truth that's found in my adoption verse, Ephesians 3:20-21. I will admit I didn't think the "exceedingly, abundantly" part would mean in number of babies! But I'm excited that it does and can't wait to wade through this next chapter as we meet the newest Gordon.

Exceedingly, Abundantly

Once upon a time that seems so very long ago there was a girl who wished for a baby. She and her husband tried and tried to get one the only way they knew how for years, but all their effort was to no avail. Then one day after lots of struggling they surrendered their plan and waited for God's. He quickly answered their cries with a beautiful, brown baby boy who they fell madly in love with. They named him Tucker and he continues to be the light of their life.
Fast forward about two and a half years... There was another baby promised to this family by another birth mother who lived in a far away land called Texas. As they were getting everything ready for their second prince to arrive the birth mom of the eldest prince called. She is pregnant again and asked the family if they would consider adding another baby to their quiver. Without a moments hesitation the family gladly said yes. It seemed like it was their only choice.
As the days passed, they began spreading the news that they would be adopting, not one baby but TWO!!! The young babies will be just over three months apart (if both Birth Mom's deliver on their due dates) and the family will grow from three to five in just a few months!
They know this is a little crazy and quite unorthodox, but the family feels so blessed! They couldn't be happier for the next steps in their adventure of babies.
And they lived happily ever after... (With lots of prayers, support and wisdom from sweet friends and family!)

That's the short story.

The more detailed version goes like this...
We have an open relationship with Tucker's Birth Mom, K. We see her 3-4 times a year and though the relationship has not been without drama it has always been a good one. We are so happy to get to be a part of her life and that Tucker will get to grow up knowing who she is and being able to ask her questions later. Such a blessing.
K's life is about as different from ours as possible. She bounces around between friends houses and jobs. She is single (most of the time) and just doesn't have much. She was a foster child who out grew the system so she doesn't have any support from a family. She depends on the generosity of friends to live.
We found out she was pregnant when she posted it on Facebook early this summer. We immediately began praying. I talked with her not long after her news made it's internet debut and she was pretty adamant that she wanted to parent this third child. (well fourth including the one she miscarried last summer that we were also planning to adopt) We kept praying and moved forward with our adoption plans. We just didn't feel like we should plan our family around her. Our profile was activated on July 26th after our Zambia trip fell through. We were chosen by a birth mom in Texas, J, on August 10th, 2012. K knew all about this other plan and last we talked she was still going to parent.
Then last Monday, September 10th, she called. We talked for a long time and she asked us if there was anyway we would consider adopting the baby she is carrying. I immediately said yes. Chris and I have been praying for the whole year that the baby (-ies) that are supposed to be ours, ultimately would be. Regardless of our plans and we felt like K's question was our answer.
After we talked she called our adoption agency in Oklahoma City and visited with the Director there who was her case worker for Tucker. They set up an appointment for last Thursday, the 13th, to meet and talk things through. The counseling aspect is one of the MANY things we love about Deaconess! We had already been planning to go to Lawton to visit K this Friday, the 14th. After K's conversation Thursday with Holly from DPAS and our conversations with her Friday, she is 100% sure that she wants to place this baby in our family in February 2013!
Friday we went down as planned and I got to go to her doctors appointment with her Friday morning. We got to see the baby and everything looks great! She is 19 weeks along and is due February 6th, 2013. We are so so excited and just flat OVERWHELMED!!! Two babies three months apart! Three babies under three years old!
We also know that February is a long time away and much could change. Much could also change before Bennett's arrival. He is due October 21st, but we are just believing that God has a better plan then we could come up with. We are trusting Him to help these Birth Mom's to decide what is best for these babies.
We know it's a lot! We know it might be a little crazy, but we also don't feel like there is any other decision. This baby is Tucker's half sibling and K is part of our family. This baby was already our family. We have been praying for protection over this child since we knew it existed and we have been praying for wisdom for K all the while. We believe this is God's provision for our growing family.
This is also a GIANT undertaking. We are very close to having adoption #1 paid for, but that leaves nothing to pay for adoption #2. Please pray the money will be provided and write or email your congressmen and ask him to vote to make the adoption tax credit fully refundable for 2012. As of right now, that is the only way we know of that this thing will be funded that quickly. Also pray for both of these sweet Birth Moms who are trusting us with this huge honor and blessing! Pray for their health as well as our babies. Pray for peace, joy, comfort, wisdom, grace and encouragement as they walk through very difficult days. And pray for our family as we grow so quickly. Pray for smooth adjustments for all three of us and wisdom as we move forward in this huge walk of faith. Also pray we get the opportunity to show K and J what the love of Jesus really looks like and for their salvation. We want to bring God glory through all of this!
As far as Bennett is concerned, he is doing GREAT! J's blood pressure is staying low and things are still looking good. It looks like she will carry Bennett longer then she did her last baby who was four weeks early. (four weeks early is one week from today!) As of right now, this second baby hasn't affected this adoption and we're praying it won't. The count down is definitely on for Bennett to make his grand entrance!
So there is a little update on what we've been doing this past week. Big changes!

To The Woman I Can Never Be...

To the woman who carries my baby,

My heart rejoices and breaks at the same time for you and over your choice.
I rejoice because you are giving my baby life. You are doing something that I will probably never be able to do. You are allowing him time to grow and to use your body as his nourishment, shelter and sustainer. I can't begin to imagine how that feels. To have a tiny human rolling around inside you, kicking and stretching your body to its limits. I'm so thankful you chose life for my boy. I'm grateful you chose Chris & I to be his parents based only on pictures and some get-to-know-you facts. We are waiting anxiously to meet this beautiful boy and to grow our family. We are busy planning and painting and washing and arranging. We want to be ready when the time comes to come get our baby.
But as I sit intoxicated by smell of baby lotion and overwhelmed by the nursery ideas, sweet tiny outfits, and thoughts of what those first days with a new baby will be like -- my stomach also ties in knots for you and the choice you are making. There is something about a mother placing her baby in someone else's arms for care that is gut wrenching. It is the ultimate sacrifice. I can't imagine anything more difficult. I think dying would be easier. Making these tremendously tough choices is something I think only a mother's heart is capable of. Despite everything we want, we choose what is best for that little life. Some of us make small sacrifices like alone time, new things for ourselves or eating hot meals, but Birth Mothers truly give all. You are trusting me to raise your son and love him in a way that usually only comes from one woman. My boys are so blessed because they are loved that unconditionally by two Mommas. Both of us will always do what we think is in his best interests. Both of us will wonder about the man he will become and pray for him despite his choices, attitudes or behaviors.
I am sad that I will never get to see you or know your name. I won't get to tell you the things that I hope you know. I won't get to share our son's victories and disappointments with you. But no matter what you and I are forever linked because we are both doing something the other couldn't in order to make our son. I am honored to be his Momma. I'm anxious to know him. I'm excited for the journey.
We are going to name him Bennett Harris. Harris is my grandmother's maiden name and we are so privileged to get to share a family name with our newest member. She is so excited we've chosen that name and said how honored her daddy would've been to know that someone was carrying on his name.
I promise we will always have his best interests at heart and will parent him the best way we know how. We will love him unconditionally. We will do our best to guide his decisions and help him know Jesus. We pray that he will love God and people with a special compassion. We welcome him with open arms and hearts.
I'm praying for you all the time because I know how much I'm thinking of this baby and know his every move keeps him on the fore front of your mind as well. May God give you strength, grace, peace, continued wisdom and comfort only the Almighty can provide as you finish this pregnancy. May you continue to place Bennett's needs before your own and be encouraged by the decisions you have made. Thank you for choosing us. We will always strive to live up to the honor of being his family.

All my love,
McKenzie

Waiting...

Long before I became a mother I thought I wanted my kids to be two years apart. In my (emphasis on the my part throughout this little tale) I also thought I'd carry these first two babies and when the first one was about 18 months old we'd start trying and get pregnant again a few months later. So when the whole pregnancy thing didn't work out I adapted my perfect plan to begin fertility treatments when Tucker was 18 months old, if they hadn't worked by his second birthday we would stop and adopt again. Last October would've been the time to make the appointments and begin the fertility process. When the time came I just couldn't do it. My sister was doing it and I felt like I should want to, but I just didn't. Before I knew it we were ringing in the New Year and I began to formulate another derivative to my plan. We would just skip the fertility and go straight back to our wonderful adoption agency. (shameless plug just in case... www.deaconessadoption.org) But as I began thinking that through I realized we had planned an overseas mission trip to Zambia in July and I was afraid. Afraid I'd have a new baby and have to leave two. Afraid that we wouldn't have been placed yet and then somehow miss it because we were in Africa. So we decided to wait till August. We'd have everything ready to go and as soon as we got home from Zambia we'd go on the waiting list. Well, we did have everything ready but since we didn't go to Africa we officially began waiting for our sweet second baby on July 26th. We didn't have to wait with Tucker. We barely had things ready and we were placed. We didn't even realize DPAS was showing our profile yet when we got the call that Tucker was coming. And so we enter unchartered ground. I'm learning a new meaning to waiting with anticipation and praying with expectation. It's SUPER exciting to know any day we could be matched with another incredible woman who thinks we are a great fit for her baby. 

So please join with us in asking Our Father to bring the perfect baby to us and prepare our hearts for the sweet addition to our family. Also ask special blessings for the woman who is carrying our child. Pray for safety, health, peace, wisdom and grace as she travels through unthinkably difficult waters.  

Anxieties

I've heard from my friends that when you're pregnant you have weird dreams, anxieties and fears. For me, the same is true with adoption. They're just different and totally beyond my control! Which adds a whole other level of nervousness. We have our home study this Tuesday and so maybe that's why I'm thinking so much about these things, I don't know. But I wanted to get some of the things that are weighing on my heart off my chest so to speak. 

-- I'm worried about MY plan not working out. Typical, but unhealthy and unlikely. I know.

-- Timing. It's so hard to not know when a baby may arrive and what will be going on in our life around that time. I know with most second children most people try to help their first child achieve different goals before baby arrives. No such luxury with adoption or for Tuck.

-- Safety/health. Not being able to control what is going into our birth mom's body or our baby is nerve wracking! I don't know if she is exposing herself to unhealthy things or if she's eating enough or going to the doctor or taking her prenatal vitamins. All of this is out of my control. I had a friend who I stayed the night with that is preggo and she got sick almost immediately after taking her prenatal vitamins. It's her first baby and she was concerned about whether or not she should take more vitamins or not. I explained I didn't think it was that big of a deal to miss one day because so many babies go without for much, much longer. Just different perspectives.

-- It's hard to trust someone else to love your baby as much as you do. If anyone does, their Birth Mom certainly does, but still its hard. Not knowing her or her situation. My control freak nature really pushes against so much about this process. It's good for me, but difficult none the less.

-- I'm starting to wonder how long we'll wait for Baby 2. Tucker was SO fast and I know that it won't be the same this time, but I also hope we don't have wait for a super long time. I'm not a good waiter. And I'm already having to wait eight months before we're even being considered. I really enjoyed the three week "pregnancy" we had last time.

-- I also hope that we get to be there for the birth again. I know that we had the IDEAL labor, delivery and hospital experience with K and Tucker. I mean we were front row, center the whole time. It was so special and I want that with our second child as well. Amazing bonding experience for Chris and I with our Birth Mom and with Tucker.

-- I pray so often for our Birth Mom. For safety, support, wisdom, clarity, bravery, well being, wise choices for her and the baby, peace and the list goes on and on. I hope that she is loved by many and is receiving lots of support and affirmation from those around her. K didn't have that luxury, and I've always wished that for her.

I can't think of anything else at the moment. But I'm so anxious to meet our fourth family member and get to love that sweet baby. Just today Chris and I were talking about how big Tucker is getting. He is a little boy now, not a baby. I told Chris that's why I needed another baby to cuddle. Dear Baby 2, HURRY!!! Love your Momma.

Peace with No Pregnancy

*This blog is just some personal musings and conclusions I've been wrestling with the past few months. If you continue to read, please do so knowing this is a gut-level honest step in my journey that I want to remember. 

It has been five years this month since Chris and I first decided to stop taking birth control. We were good if I got pregnant or not at that point, but when I wasn't pregnant that first month, I must admit, I was disappointed. At that point I hadn't learned to not let myself go to that place or hope or anticipate a positive pregnancy test. Those were lessons that waited for me down the infertile road. 

I used to dream of the day that I found out I was pregnant and how I would tell Chris and the rest of our family. Most months I would plan a specific reveal depending on holidays or what was going on that month. I had some pretty good ideas, but they never got used. When I would start my period I would spiral into the mopies and live there for several days. I snapped easily and was highly oversensitive because of my disappointment that yet another month had passed with no baby. As the months turned into years I began to learn how to cope. I stopped hoping a little every month. I wouldn't let myself go to Gap Baby and swoon over all the cuteness. I still struggled, but I dealt with it better. At this point learning that a friend was pregnant was no surprise and fewer of those bothered me. I know it's awful to say but sometimes when certain people would get pregnant I was so jealous I couldn't be happy for them. I thought I deserved it more or they hadn't put in their time trying like we had. All of these thing were difficult, but the very hardest part of being infertile was knowing and believing that God is the author of life and he chooses where He will create it. It took a long time before I was able to come to terms with the fact that He was not choosing to create life in me. He was choosing to allow us to walk through heartache and disappointment after disappointment. Motherhood was something I wanted more than anything and He wasn't letting it happen. I begged. Other people begged for me. And still the answer is no. Five full years of no. 

After three and half years of not being able to conceive and some preliminary tests, we were lead to adoption and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that was the right decision. Even as we walked through that process and brought home the most precious baby boy I still held out hope that someday I would carry a baby. I would get to be pregnant.

When I wasn't looking something has changed in my heart. It was like I woke up one day and the HUGE desire to carry a baby was a little less and a little less until peace has replaced that longing. Would I still love to be pregnant and get to know what that right of passage feels like? Sure. Would I love to see what a Chris/McKenzie combo would turn out to be? Of course. But am I ok if I don't ever get to do that. Yes. 

Before we had Tucker I found the only aspect of baby-dom that wasn't super hard or disappointing. The Nursery. I would decorate our nursery in my head. I would tuck ideas into the back of my mind. I had several totally planned in my head. The perfect room to welcome a long awaited baby into our home. In fact this was so important to me that when we found out we were having a baby in three weeks I whipped one of those nurseries into reality. People teased me about stripping the wall and doing so much to that room when we had so little time, but it was important to me. 

Looking back I realize that Tucker didn't care, still doesn't care really. He was happiest in my arms, not in a beautiful room that I worked so hard on. He needed love not color coordinating fabrics, decor, and finishings. I placed so much importance on the nursery. I thought that if that wasn't perfect I would be failing at my first act of motherhood. I worked nearly around the clock to get everything just right. And now I realize that pregnancy is a lot like that room. It's important and valid to want it, but it isn't what makes you a mother. Cute decor and feeling a baby kick are both relatively short lived. They only last for a short time. Motherhood lasts the rest of my life. I'm not saying that somedays I don't still grieve the loss of the dream of pregnancy, but I'm so thankful I'm able to say, "You give and take away, blessed be the Name of the Lord," and mean it. 

I will admit when we first brought Tucker home and I read blogs of other new mothers I wondered if some of the blogs I wanted to post were valid. I didn't really feel like apart of the club. Another misguided step on my journey. My heart made me a Momma, not my uterus or ovaries. The day I found out Tucker was coming I joined the club. I just came through a different entrance.

I hope these thoughts that have been swimming around in my heart and head for the last several months haven't offended any of you who have gotten to be pregnant. I'm no longer envious of your blessings, but thankful for the clarity that this path has brought to me.