Pre-Partum Depression

I've shared on my blog before that we've been trying to get pregnant for some time now. That time is two years. Two years ago this month was the first time we stopped birth control and I'll never forget how I thought it would work. I thought that first month would be the ticket to a baby. I'll also never forget how I felt when I started again after that first month free from birth control. We were in Nashville on vacation with some friends and I went in our room and cried for a minute or two with Chris holding me telling me these things take time. How little we realized the truth of that statement. Well with the time that this process is taking I've seen God's hand and I know He has a reason and a purpose for having us wait and I've built a wall that I just don't let myself go to the place that I believe I could be pregnant. It's too big of a disappointment when I'm not. This week, however, I let my guard down and have really let myself think about being pregnant and relishing in the possibilities. This isn't healthy and I know that, but sometimes you just can't help it. Now if/when I'm not, I know the hurt will be huge, something that I don't want to face...again. I told Chris tonight, "I'm just ready for this part to be over." And I really am. It seems like it will never happen for us and it has happened so easily for so many others. It's hard not to be frustrated and not to question. All day I've just been telling myself to Trust the Lord and lean not on my own understanding. But that's not hard sometimes.