Secret Tootsie Roll Blog #7 - goodbye

My dear sweet Baby,
I didn't know you really, but you were mine all the same. I didn't get to feel you move or hear your sweet little heartbeat, but my heart is broken because your gone. I didn't get to meet you at all. I never got to hold you against my chest and feel your weight against my heart. I didn't get to rock and sing you to sleep feeling your tiny bottom in my hand. I didn't get to nuzzle my cheek against yours as I breathed you in deeply. I'll never know what you smelt like or who you would have been. I'll never know why you were taken from our lives when you were still just a dream. But I do know I loved you before I knew you. You held my heart before I could've ever held you. Just the knowledge of your existence and your place in our family were enough for you to change me forever. I was going to be your Forever Momma. I was going to be the one to rock you to sleep, tie your shoes and kiss your boo-boos as you grew up. I was going to be there to take pictures of you on your first day of school, piano recitals, and high school proms. I was supposed to get to love you no matter what for as long as I was alive, and I think I will even though you won't ever be physically present in our lives.
I think you were a girl. I don't know why, but since we found out you were going to be ours I've just thought you were going to be a girl. The thought of having a daughter and Tucker having a little sister thrilled my soul! I know Tucker would've loved you and been so protective of you as the two of you grew up so close in age. I was so excited to get to be a spectator in that love story the two of you would've shared.
I was scared about how I would handle two babies under two. I was nervous about making life work and not being so overwhelmed that I would miss out on special times with you or your big brother. I had already started trying to help Tucker grow up a little quicker to make your arrival as smooth as possible. I was anxious about where the money was going to come from for us to bring you home. But deep down I knew that these things would work themselves out because they would have to. We would've been ok.
I was excited to see Tucker love you and watch how your relationship with him would develop. I'm so sad that Tucker won't get to grow up with a matching, blood sibling. I wanted you to share that bond with him and both of you have one and other to lean on when questions were ready to be asked. I just felt like you would both need each other to understand this adoption story that we are living. I wanted you both to have a built in best friend so close to your own age, just like I do with your Aunt Cassie. I think I'm just realizing how much I wanted that for you both.
There are countless dreams I've already had for you sweet Baby. Milestones you will never reach. Its so hard to understand why this happened like it did or what the purpose is in it now.
I don't understand why God took you before you ever had a chance. I don't understand why He allowed us all to fall in love with you for such a short time. But I do trust He is sovereign and I know that there is a purpose for your little life. I know that He can use tragedy to call people to Himself and I pray that He will do that with your Birth Mom.
We loved you before we ever held you. You were a Gordon before your first breath. You will always be my second child and I will always love you with a love only a Momma's heart can hold. There just seems to be so much to grieve today. But one day when we are united in Heaven I will rejoice to have had you as apart of our family's story.
I'll love you forever, I like you for always as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. Good bye my sweet Tootsie Roll. May your story bring Him glory.