Transitions in Ministry

Yesterday something unexpected happened that sent me into an emotional downward spiral. My husband is a youth minister. He has been for our entire relationship. When we started dating I jumped in beside him and have been doing ministry with him for the last nine years. I have gone on nearly every trip, camp, meeting. I've helped make decisions. I've taught, set up, tore down, decorated, organized and co-planned every event we've done. Until this summer. This summer I have three babies.   I knew this was coming when I thought I'd just have two children this summer. Last year I joked all summer that it was my farewell tour to youth ministry. And I thought I was ok with this transition. This summer I didn't go to Super Summer. I was going to up to visit one night and all three of my children decided to hate life and probably me and we didn't go. For the third time since I was a junior in high school I didn't go to Super Summer at all. I can't have the same role and I knew that going into having three boys so close together in age. I have been nearly absent from youth events since the boys arrived in October and February. I have distanced myself preparing for what this summer would feel like. But I guess I didn't do a great job.
Last night was our annual Falls Creek parent/camper meeting. This is no big deal to me. I have never looked forward to it or felt like it was a huge part of what my role has been in the past. That being said... this year Chris made a big deal about me being there. He made me feel really needed and despite myself I got excited to have a purpose in our ministry again. I have missed it, but can't seem to manage all my children and every one else's at the same time. So I arranged with the sweet ladies who stay in the nursery to stay late to keep our boys so I could give my usual speech, take money and forms and meet with our leadership students who I traditionally take to camp on Saturday to set up and decorate. After dropping the boys at the nursery I went to Chris's office to help get things together to find our two very capable interns had everything totally under control. I was still good. Impressed even. They had thought of everything and Chris was relatively not stressed. But then Chris asked me to explain how I usually handle the money/sign up stuff to them. As I was talking I felt like the rug had been pulled from beneath me. My job was being delegated again and it hurt my feelings. After everything was set up and ready to go Chris and I went into the service. He could tell something was wrong and I wasn't wanting to talk about it before the meeting, but he kept asking and as soon as I began to tell him how I was feeling the tight control I was keeping on my emotions busted free. It felt like I was trying to explain the events of a death more then a transition of my role out of ministry with him. Church ended and I was still trying to get a handle on myself. It never happened so I skipped the meeting and brought the boys home. All Chris was trying to do was to take as much stress away from me as possible. He wanted me at the meeting to do the dress code talk and make sure he didn't miss anything. But instead of feeling relieved and taken care of it left me feeling useless and replaceable. All there was left for me to do was try to bring light to the fact that the girls need to dress modestly despite the fact they are spending the week with 2,500 eligible bachelors, all the information being passed on is already in the packet in their parents hands. Useless.
I left the church trying to focus on what's important and not my hurt feelings. Trying to see that me being selfish is not beneficial to our students and more importantly to my husband. He isn't happy that I'm not working with him. He misses me just like I miss him and the time we spent on youth stuff. He is transitioning too. He doesn't like being gone three out of four weeks anymore then I do. But despite my best efforts I was still fuming a little by the time Chris got home.
After the boys and I got home I fed Tucker and Bennett. Bennett then puked up everything he'd just eaten everywhere. So then I bathed Casen and Bennett and thought about this stage in our life. I have the better job. Even covered in puke/spit up/boogers/any other nasty thing three boys can come up with. This is what I've always wanted. I love my boys more then words can ever say.
But it's hard feeling left out. It's hard telling others how to replace you in a role that you've always felt like you couldn't be replaced in. It's hard watching other people love kids that you've invested in for five years and feel like there's no room left for you in it. I know I'm having a pity party. I know I should be thankful for the time I had to do ministry with my husband. I know this isn't Jesus's best for our family/ministry/life. But I feel like I'm at my own funeral saying good bye to a life that I've known for the last nine years. I feel like I have to completely close that part of my life for now because I don't know how to do some things but not every thing without feeling like this. I don't want to cry my eyes out and mourn what's gone. I want to focus on my children and our future. I'm not sure how to pull myself out of this slump. Today I'm just sad. I'm praying that I'll be able to focus on things that are eternal and not my petty feelings. That I will be able to encourage my husband instead of pulling him down in his busiest time of the year. I want him to be able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about me and the boys. That's my part.
I recently was added to a group of Minister's Wives on Facebook and I've been so challenged to hear how precious other wives are when their husbands come home from camp. I am not precious. Ever really. I wish I was, but I have never even thought about how I should react to Chris's homecoming because I've always been coming home too. This week as these ladies kept the home front going. All while they dealt with sickness and single mom-ness while their husbands worked with other people's teenagers. They wrote how they tried to make the house look good, cooked a good meal and fix themselves up so their spouses would arrive home to a peaceful environment. These are things I have honestly never considered before. I want to be gracious and helpful to him even if it looks totally different then it ever has. But this is hard for me too. I'm selfish. I want a break when he gets home! That's what I look forward to every day little alone after two weeks apart. So much of the time I don't think my personality is what a minister's wife should look like. I'm blunt. I'm not a sit-on-the-front-row kinda gal. My children don't behave well all the time, especially the three year old in big church. I don't feel like I fit the mold. But if this life is what God wants for our family I want to give it my best shot! I want to become more precious and less selfish. Again lots of hard things.
If you think about it whisper a prayer for us these next two weeks. I have a feeling they aren't going to be super smooth sailing for the Gord's. Motherhood is hard. Ministry is hard. Marriage is hard. Life is overwhelming. But God is bigger. I know that. His plans are better. I've seen that. I just have to trust that this time is no exception.