There are moments in life that you know, even while they're happening, that afterwards you'll never be the same. Whether they are good or bad. You just know. From now on - I'm changed. Some are monumental events others are more happenstance. Your wedding day, birth of a child, Salvation... those are some big milestones. These moments affect your life, maybe in ways you never expected.
One of those moments in my life came in October of my senior year of high school. It was a Friday morning. I think it was rainy that day. I was rushing into school, as usual, when a classmate grabbed me and told me one of our friends had committed suicide. I heard her but went on with my routine. About a hour later, at a school assembly called to discuss the tragedy, it hit me. Brandon was one of my good friends. He had changed schools the previous year and I hadn't seen him in a while, but we talked often and he knew he could count on me and vice versa. I feel to pieces as teachers and school staff discussed the situation. They told us we shouldn't go to the hospital and wouldn't let me leave after the meeting. I distinctly remember trying hysterically to get around several teachers because I wanted to see him. I never went. I regret that. They put Brandon on life support that Friday and he "lived" until Sunday when they unplugged his machine. My friends spent a lot of time together that weekend praying and crying together. The following Monday a bunch of us went to his house to see his mom. I'll never forget walking into that familiar living room and seeing his letter jacket hanging on the coat rack and how his mother clung to me as we cried. The next day I went to the funeral home to see his body. My mom thought it'd be a good idea to be prepared. That was awful! His casket was filled with mementos and trinkets from friends. I added one of my own and continued to mourn. His service was packed and the only two things I really remember about that is they played Creed's With Arms Wide Open and when I hugged his mom she told me that Brandon had told her I was his "back-up wife" and that he loved me a lot. As we exited the funeral home, experiencing the loss of someone my age for the first time, several of us piled into a friends Mustang. We put the top down and sang all the way to the cemetery, remembering our friend. Knowing he'd have been the life of the party even that day. We had an empty chair for him at graduation and gave his mom a flower. He would've turned 28 today. His last birthday was 10 years ago. How is that possible? I remember his birthday and death day every year. It just always comes to my mind. I don't do it on purpose.
I loved Brandon. He was a good friend. His life and death have profoundly affected my life and continue to do so. He is one of my moments.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Long Days of Summer
It's been a long week. We've had a lot going on getting ready for Falls Creek next week and we had VBS at our church so that always makes things hectic. I think it's felt so long for several reasons.
#1. I've had a MAJOR sinus issue for the last week and have felt like poo most of the time. I have literally used 2 1/2 boxes of kleenex in the last week! I have just felt worthless! And I still have a baby to take care of even though I'm sick. (side note: that is a not so fun side of motherhood.)
#2. The week before camp is always worse then the actual week of camp. There feels like so much that needs to be done and planned for and packed. Add a two month old baby into that mix and that's enough to make anyone feel a little stressed.
#3. Because I have Tucker, Chris is having to do a lot more without me. Which he is doing a great job and is more than capable, but still it's different.
#4. We've had a bit of drama going on around our student ministry (not because of students) and this has been heavy on both our hearts. Very heavy.
Several things I've been wrestling with personally: Why as staff members of a church are we expected to take all people dish out without looking out for ourselves/families? Someone once told Chris that he was the only hired hand some people would ever have. I think that's awful, but what's worse is the truth of that statement. The church is a hard place to work sometimes. Being a wife of a minister isn't easy sometimes because you have to hear people be mean about/to your husband. Sometimes it's hard because people are mean to you! I think God gave us discerning minds and spirits just like everyone else and I'm not going to be guilty of not using them when I feel His leading!
Another thought: As a partner in my husband's ministry I've been having to remind myself that I am not a church employee. I don't have to be in the fat middle of every little thing at church like I have been for the past four years. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn. I'm still working on it. Tucker is without question my priority, but I still feel like I need to be doing all I've always done. A parent told me today that I didn't need to feel obligated to do all that and I really needed to hear that. Today God has sent me three separate encouragement's because He knew I needed them. It's been one of those weeks that I've felt attacked all week. I have been snappy at my husband for silly things because I can't express my feelings to anyone else. Poor guy! He's been a real trooper through my mood swings, sickness and stress this week!
But Falls Creek is almost here! I'm so excited to see what the Father is going to do in the lives of our students and in my own life next week. I'm excited to take Tucker to camp for the first time. Next week has to be good because of the things that have been put before us this week. His mercies are new every morning and this week I've needed a whole new batch everyday!
#1. I've had a MAJOR sinus issue for the last week and have felt like poo most of the time. I have literally used 2 1/2 boxes of kleenex in the last week! I have just felt worthless! And I still have a baby to take care of even though I'm sick. (side note: that is a not so fun side of motherhood.)
#2. The week before camp is always worse then the actual week of camp. There feels like so much that needs to be done and planned for and packed. Add a two month old baby into that mix and that's enough to make anyone feel a little stressed.
#3. Because I have Tucker, Chris is having to do a lot more without me. Which he is doing a great job and is more than capable, but still it's different.
#4. We've had a bit of drama going on around our student ministry (not because of students) and this has been heavy on both our hearts. Very heavy.
Several things I've been wrestling with personally: Why as staff members of a church are we expected to take all people dish out without looking out for ourselves/families? Someone once told Chris that he was the only hired hand some people would ever have. I think that's awful, but what's worse is the truth of that statement. The church is a hard place to work sometimes. Being a wife of a minister isn't easy sometimes because you have to hear people be mean about/to your husband. Sometimes it's hard because people are mean to you! I think God gave us discerning minds and spirits just like everyone else and I'm not going to be guilty of not using them when I feel His leading!
Another thought: As a partner in my husband's ministry I've been having to remind myself that I am not a church employee. I don't have to be in the fat middle of every little thing at church like I have been for the past four years. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn. I'm still working on it. Tucker is without question my priority, but I still feel like I need to be doing all I've always done. A parent told me today that I didn't need to feel obligated to do all that and I really needed to hear that. Today God has sent me three separate encouragement's because He knew I needed them. It's been one of those weeks that I've felt attacked all week. I have been snappy at my husband for silly things because I can't express my feelings to anyone else. Poor guy! He's been a real trooper through my mood swings, sickness and stress this week!
But Falls Creek is almost here! I'm so excited to see what the Father is going to do in the lives of our students and in my own life next week. I'm excited to take Tucker to camp for the first time. Next week has to be good because of the things that have been put before us this week. His mercies are new every morning and this week I've needed a whole new batch everyday!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Three Week HolliB pictures
These are a few of my favorite shots from HolliB's newborn session with Tucker. (www.hollibphotography.com) She's so good! When your best friends are immensely talented you gotta play to their strengths. He's so big now and already looks totally different but, enjoy my sweet baby anyway!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Heart Storage
I've always heard how Mary treasured the things surrounding Jesus' birth and infancy in her heart and until Tucker I couldn't truly appreciate what that meant. So to make sure I remember the little things that I love most I'm going to make a list. Here are just some of my favorites...
How Tucker holds my finger when I'm feeding him his bottle.
The way only I can soothe him sometimes. He's already a bit of a Momma's boy and I LOVE it! Maybe a little too much.
How his butt fits into one hand.
The feeling of his angel soft hair.
Any noise he ever makes. Cooing, grunting or sometimes even his cries are cute.
His weight against my chest. It is the most soothing feeling to feel us breath together.
How I feel to see others love my baby. Especially my grandparents and parents. It's crazy how a baby can melt hearts and conquer life long prejudices in just a few seconds.
His studious expressions as he investigates new people, places and situations. (Which seems like almost every time he wakes up. Poor guy always in a new place)
His soft cheek against mine.
His response to my voice when others are holding him.
How he loves me to sing him to sleep. He already calms down when we sing songs.
How tight he grips my finger. That was the first way I got to touch him as the nurse cleaned him off in the delivery room so I think that will always be a special feeling to me.
When he's hungry or just wants his paci, how he'll suck on my shoulder or neck until I can get what he wants in his mouth.
When I know/think he's hungry my test is to kiss close to his mouth and if he is hungry he will turn his head and try to suck on my lips. Precious kisses!
And my sweet boy is waking so that's all for now. I'm sure this will be a running list.
How Tucker holds my finger when I'm feeding him his bottle.
The way only I can soothe him sometimes. He's already a bit of a Momma's boy and I LOVE it! Maybe a little too much.
How his butt fits into one hand.
The feeling of his angel soft hair.
Any noise he ever makes. Cooing, grunting or sometimes even his cries are cute.
His weight against my chest. It is the most soothing feeling to feel us breath together.
How I feel to see others love my baby. Especially my grandparents and parents. It's crazy how a baby can melt hearts and conquer life long prejudices in just a few seconds.
His studious expressions as he investigates new people, places and situations. (Which seems like almost every time he wakes up. Poor guy always in a new place)
His soft cheek against mine.
His response to my voice when others are holding him.
How he loves me to sing him to sleep. He already calms down when we sing songs.
How tight he grips my finger. That was the first way I got to touch him as the nurse cleaned him off in the delivery room so I think that will always be a special feeling to me.
When he's hungry or just wants his paci, how he'll suck on my shoulder or neck until I can get what he wants in his mouth.
When I know/think he's hungry my test is to kiss close to his mouth and if he is hungry he will turn his head and try to suck on my lips. Precious kisses!
And my sweet boy is waking so that's all for now. I'm sure this will be a running list.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Two in one day!
I know I just posted but my baby is sleeping good this evening so...
I came across this on another blog and thought I'd humor myself for a few minutes. Go ahead and try it yourself...it will either make you say, "wow I've done a lot of things in my life!" OR "wow - I really need to get out more." In my case...it was the latter. Go through and highlight the ones that apply to you!
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band...sang with one but I don't think it counts
4. Visited Hawaii...HONEYMOON
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disney
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped or cliff jumped ...ah Vic Falls. One of my fondest memories.
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child...Biggest blessing of my life. Seriously.
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables...I sometimes think I would like that but...
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked... I don't know if being picked up and riding with a scary man to a gas station counts but it happened in college
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill...oh the days of dating my husband. I was NOT a good employee.
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon...don't understand the motivation to do something so crazy!
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run...yeah right do you know me?
32. Been on a cruise...great college memories! And we're going again in August with the fam.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied...livin' on love baby!
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing...thank you Steven Charles
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David in person
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa...One of those experiences that literally made me who I am.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling...another illegal activity supervised, no initiated by my mother.
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater...one of our favorite Chickasha activities
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies...oh thin mints sound sooo delicious!
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason...that's the only time I get them. The hubs doesn't like to be predicatble
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Been sky diving...on the bucket list. I wanted to do it before motherhood, guess that didn't work out.
66. Visited a Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book...do the ones you make online count? I've done that.
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car...we just got a new to us car that we LOVE. Hooray for the Volvo!
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Gotten a tattoo
94. Had a baby...kinda. That's an upcoming post. All about my un-pregnancy.
95. Seen the Alamo in person...Senior Trip 2001
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
Well that was fun for me if no one else. Hope you enjoyed it!
I came across this on another blog and thought I'd humor myself for a few minutes. Go ahead and try it yourself...it will either make you say, "wow I've done a lot of things in my life!" OR "wow - I really need to get out more." In my case...it was the latter. Go through and highlight the ones that apply to you!
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band...sang with one but I don't think it counts
4. Visited Hawaii...HONEYMOON
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disney
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped or cliff jumped ...ah Vic Falls. One of my fondest memories.
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child...Biggest blessing of my life. Seriously.
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables...I sometimes think I would like that but...
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked... I don't know if being picked up and riding with a scary man to a gas station counts but it happened in college
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill...oh the days of dating my husband. I was NOT a good employee.
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon...don't understand the motivation to do something so crazy!
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run...yeah right do you know me?
32. Been on a cruise...great college memories! And we're going again in August with the fam.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied...livin' on love baby!
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing...thank you Steven Charles
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David in person
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa...One of those experiences that literally made me who I am.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling...another illegal activity supervised, no initiated by my mother.
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater...one of our favorite Chickasha activities
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies...oh thin mints sound sooo delicious!
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason...that's the only time I get them. The hubs doesn't like to be predicatble
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Been sky diving...on the bucket list. I wanted to do it before motherhood, guess that didn't work out.
66. Visited a Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book...do the ones you make online count? I've done that.
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car...we just got a new to us car that we LOVE. Hooray for the Volvo!
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Gotten a tattoo
94. Had a baby...kinda. That's an upcoming post. All about my un-pregnancy.
95. Seen the Alamo in person...Senior Trip 2001
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
Well that was fun for me if no one else. Hope you enjoyed it!
A New Summer
This summer feels different. It is going to be different, at least for me. Summer for the Gordon's usually means camps, kids, trips, no sleep and something going all the time and for one of us it still will be. But for Momma G all of that has changed. It was inevitable and I knew it was coming. However, that knowledge hasn't lessened the blow.
As soon as we found out Tucker was coming I backed out of all of my summer commitments without hesitation. Summer is now here and Super Summer is next weekend and I'm not going. for real. I guess I just feel left out in some ways. In youth ministry summer is our busy season. It's the time where relationships flourish and memories are made. I don't know what that looks like with an infant. Tucker has changed everything about our life and we love it, this piece of the puzzle is just harder somehow.
From Chris's perspective - he is bummed because he will be apart from us so much of the time and I won't be by his side for every event. He isn't as excited as usual because he still HAS to do all that we usually do together. When you spend the majority of your time working together it's hard when half of the team is missing.
Usually by this point in the year I have been at the church at least three days a week for several weeks. I have to do lists in order. People lined up to help. Copies of forms color coded. Office and medical boxes ready for trips. But not this year. I haven't even figured out how to shower everyday little alone how to accomplish life as it used to be. I'm not complaining. I LOVE getting to be a Momma and I wouldn't trade it. All of this is just part of the transition process and I don't know that having nine months instead of three weeks to get ready would've made any difference for this leg of the journey.
As soon as we found out Tucker was coming I backed out of all of my summer commitments without hesitation. Summer is now here and Super Summer is next weekend and I'm not going. for real. I guess I just feel left out in some ways. In youth ministry summer is our busy season. It's the time where relationships flourish and memories are made. I don't know what that looks like with an infant. Tucker has changed everything about our life and we love it, this piece of the puzzle is just harder somehow.
From Chris's perspective - he is bummed because he will be apart from us so much of the time and I won't be by his side for every event. He isn't as excited as usual because he still HAS to do all that we usually do together. When you spend the majority of your time working together it's hard when half of the team is missing.
Usually by this point in the year I have been at the church at least three days a week for several weeks. I have to do lists in order. People lined up to help. Copies of forms color coded. Office and medical boxes ready for trips. But not this year. I haven't even figured out how to shower everyday little alone how to accomplish life as it used to be. I'm not complaining. I LOVE getting to be a Momma and I wouldn't trade it. All of this is just part of the transition process and I don't know that having nine months instead of three weeks to get ready would've made any difference for this leg of the journey.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
First Doctor's Visits
We have an AMAZING doctor. He and Chris grew up together and he's been SUPER supportive and helpful throughout different stages of our adoption process. We were so excited to introduce him to Tucker and also see how our boy was doing.
When Tucker was born he weighed 7 lbs, 15 oz. While in the hospital he lost down to 7.10 but was already eating very well. He was 20 inches long at birth.
At his two week appointment he weighed 8 lbs 5 oz and had grown to 21.25 inches. I couldn't believe how much he'd grown in just two weeks.
At Tuck's one month appointment I knew my chunky monkey had gained weight. He weighed 10 lbs, 8 oz! Are you kidding me? I couldn't believe he'd gained over two pounds in two weeks! He had only grown 1/2 inch but our doctor was very please with Tucker and said not to worry about his weight. I guess it'll all balance out in time.
His other MAJOR achievement is when he was 13 days old he showed us that he could roll over from his belly to his back. We were at my mom's and were having some tummy time while we were sitting in the floor chatting. He did it and we both were amazed! I didn't realize how early he was doing this until our one month appointment when we told our doctor. He LOVES to be his stomach and since he can roll over we're letting him sleep that way most of the time. He is now sleeping in five hour stretches at night which is SUPER nice, especially for me.
We are so glad he's adjusting well and growing strong. We had heard a lot about attachment and adjustment with adopted babies and their forever families so I had been very concerned about that. But Dr. Whinery said that unattached-unadjusted babies don't gain weight and do as well as Tucker is. We're so glad it's obvious he's happy! Because we couldn't be more smitten with our precious boy!
When Tucker was born he weighed 7 lbs, 15 oz. While in the hospital he lost down to 7.10 but was already eating very well. He was 20 inches long at birth.
At his two week appointment he weighed 8 lbs 5 oz and had grown to 21.25 inches. I couldn't believe how much he'd grown in just two weeks.
At Tuck's one month appointment I knew my chunky monkey had gained weight. He weighed 10 lbs, 8 oz! Are you kidding me? I couldn't believe he'd gained over two pounds in two weeks! He had only grown 1/2 inch but our doctor was very please with Tucker and said not to worry about his weight. I guess it'll all balance out in time.
His other MAJOR achievement is when he was 13 days old he showed us that he could roll over from his belly to his back. We were at my mom's and were having some tummy time while we were sitting in the floor chatting. He did it and we both were amazed! I didn't realize how early he was doing this until our one month appointment when we told our doctor. He LOVES to be his stomach and since he can roll over we're letting him sleep that way most of the time. He is now sleeping in five hour stretches at night which is SUPER nice, especially for me.
We are so glad he's adjusting well and growing strong. We had heard a lot about attachment and adjustment with adopted babies and their forever families so I had been very concerned about that. But Dr. Whinery said that unattached-unadjusted babies don't gain weight and do as well as Tucker is. We're so glad it's obvious he's happy! Because we couldn't be more smitten with our precious boy!
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