The Aftermath

Just to update everyone on what we've learned since my last post... The baby was born at 12:48 a.m. on Wednesday, July 13th. It was a baby boy and he weighed just a few ounces and was about four inches long. K left the hospital around 8:30 that morning. She named the baby Michael Ray. They had a memorial service for him Thursday morning, but we didn't attend to protect K. She had him cremated and hasn't shared if the doctor told her any cause for her to have miscarried. K is acting very detached and says she's ok. Thank you for praying for her. Please continue to do so.
My previous blog post was also in our church newsletter last week because I didn't want to have to tell the story 100 times and I didn't want people to continue finding out over a prolonged period of time. This proved to be both good and bad. Most people have been very sweet and supportive. Most of them say something about God's will/timing because they don't really know what to say. I don't either. But it feels hallow when your heart still aches for what could've been. It's still so hard to understand. My imagination has brought me through every possible scenario and reason and hope that exists. And still part of me doesn't feel justified in these feelings because I wasn't really his Momma yet.
This morning our Pastor asked for people to come to the alter and pray for rain. We have had one inch of rain in Sayre, America since November. Our farmers are feeling it. Record numbers of cattle are selling at the local auction (it went for 23 hours last week). As our faithful church family crowed the alter several people prayed for rain, but a few of their prayers pierced my heart about our lost baby.
One man who has been so faithful to pray for Chris and I through the three and a half years of infertility and adoption #1 said, "...God, we know you create and sustain life..." As tears clouded my eyes for the millionth time this week, I realized that for me that is what is the toughest part of infertility and K's miscarriage. I KNOW that God is capable of creating life inside of me, but He is choosing not to. For whatever reason this has been a struggle in our life for over four years now. I also KNOW that He could have sustained Baby #2's life while K carried Him if He wanted to. It's so hard for me to wrap my mind around these truths and still trust that He knows what is best. Why not me? Why not this baby? Why get us involved so early? I keep telling Chris that if you can't get pregnant you definitely shouldn't have to go through a miscarriage. One or the other, but both seems so unfair.
The second thing that was prayed was from our Pastor. He used our "Tucker Verses" and my heart just broke. "To Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more then we can ask, think or imagine to Him be the honor and GLORY forever, and ever AMEN." Eph. 3:20. These were my prayer for our first adoption process and God was so overwhelmingly faithful to this promise. But some how this morning they didn't hold the sweetness they usually do. They made my heart hurt. I know they are true. I've lived their authenticity. Maybe that's why they stung today, because I can't see the fruition of that promise. I'm knee deep in the rough part that will make that promise sweeter. someday.
I don't know if we'll ever know or understand why Tootsie Roll's life was so short or why everything shook down like it did, but we are trying to praise our Father through the valley and trust His goodness and plans for our family. The two sermons today were on love and humility. I pray that through this hardship I grow in love and humility and learn to walk those out better. For Tucker. For Chris. For our future children. But mostly for the glory of my Father.