Maternal Instincts

Before Tucker was born I worried about an endless string of things. Some turned out not to matter, but others I was happy to have thought out. One of those things was maternal instincts. I wasn't sure how much of those instincts you always hear about came naturally to all females and how much of them were an emotional by-product of carrying a baby. Of creating a life. I worried I wouldn't get a full dose and in some way, beyond my control, I would fail my child just because I couldn't be the one to give him life. I had relinquished the fact I'd never know my babies from the inside of my womb or know what it felt like to breast feed them. I was ok with those things, but I wanted to do all I could in all other areas. I still do.
In the first hours of Tucker's life some of those concerns were quieted. He responded to me quickly. He attached to my heart just as I attached to his. I remember sitting in the hospital room alone with Chris and Tucker when Tuck started to fuss and I rearranged him to my shoulder and quieted him with pats and bounces. Chris asked me how I knew to do that and I realized it wasn't learned, it was instinct.
In the first weeks of Tucker's life I worked to adjust to having this other life in my charge and began noticing others noticing us. One of our first trips to Sam's an older gave us a dirty look and as we rounded to corner I was ready to go give her a piece of my mind! My defensive momma bear instinct reared its head for the first time.
Gratefully, I realize now that because I adopted I'm no less of a Momma then all of my friends who've carried their sweet little lives inside their bodies. It took a while for me to feel like I had officially joined that club. I remember reading other blogs of new mommas and still feeling on the outside of some secret club. I didn't feel justified in some ways. And just as any of them feel right before another life enters their family this week I've been emotional and extra clingy to my two little boys.
Things feel like they're starting to settle down and normalize after adding Bennett in October and the rush of the holidays. I feel normal. It's normal to have a baby again. Tucker's routine is back in it's normal swing. Chris and I are a little more coherent and a little less sleepy all the time. But just as things seem to be evening out... sometime in the next three weeks we will throw all of those comforts away to welcome our third son into his forever family. While I'm so excited to meet Casen and fall in love with him and start this whole baby process over, I'm also nervous. Much in the same way as I was three short months ago before I knew what life would look like with two children. The unknown is nerve wrecking.
A lot of this is probably self doubt. Can I really do it? Three under three. The two youngest just three months apart. How will I feed them both at the same time? How will I carry 50 pounds of car seat plus the babies in them all while hold the plump hand of my sweet toddler everywhere we go? Will I ever go anywhere again? Am I the right person to handle such a big undertaking?
But then I'm reminded of why we're here and who is holding MY hand. It's evident every where I look, especially with our finances. When I look at the figures of these adoptions and I'm blown away with the ways God has provided enough money to bring these boys of ours home. For almost double Chris's yearly salary to have been saved, scrimped, raised, donated or granted is still unbelievable to me. It is no small feet or accident that this is how our family is being built. I know that beyond a shadow of doubt. Tucker. Bennett. Casen. Were all chosen to be Gordon's long before Chris and I could've planned or hoped for it to happen.
I look at my babies and I'm in awe that out of all the babies in the world I got the very best ones. So I think I got all the instincts that matter. My boys are just that. They are MINE. And to me they are perfect and I love each of them with all my heart.
While the next stage of our adventure may be rocky and difficult at times I know that we are surrounded with love and support. Who knows what life will look like a month from now for our family, but I cling to the promises we've been given and firmly believe the truth that's found in my adoption verse, Ephesians 3:20-21. I will admit I didn't think the "exceedingly, abundantly" part would mean in number of babies! But I'm excited that it does and can't wait to wade through this next chapter as we meet the newest Gordon.