My Three Sons

*Warning: Totally honest post ahead. Read at risk of thinking I've totally lost my mind! (Heck, I probably have!) This is a release and processing place for me. I also want to remember the truth about these first days of having three babies.

Everyone keeps asking how things are going? How we're making it with two babies and a toddler? And the honest answer to that is - holy cow it's a lot! I am overwhelmed. I feel a like I'm treading water and running from one mini-disaster to another. The squeaky wheel definitely gets the grease around here. But the hard part is that this is an endless cycle. Three on one for most of the day is tough!
At the the same time, if I'm being really honest, I feel guilty. I worry that taking on three boys under three was a bad idea. What if it doesn't get easier, like everyone promises? What if we bit off more then we can chew and mess all three of them up forever?
I feel like I'm missing out on precious moments that I'll wish I could remember, but I'm so overwhelmed and flat exhausted that I don't feel like I can really take them in. I want to remember what Bennett was like as a baby. His sweet smiles and content personality. He is just a little charmer and you can't help but smile when you look at his chubby cheeks. I want to remember what Casen was like as a baby. His bright eyes and super soft hair. His beautiful dark skin and tiny fingers wrapping around mine. I want to remember this inquisitive stage that Tucker is in where you can almost watch his brain grow, learn and develop, but my patience runs so short and I get so frustrated with him continually asking me questions that I snap at him even though he's really done nothing wrong. My nerves are raw and a two year old acting two is rough. I don't know that my memories will be very clear in the years to come, shoot next week.
I'm constantly playing catch up with a sink full of dishes and the ever growing laundry so the boys can have clothes to wear and bottles to drink from but anything past that seems out of reach. I haven't cooked a real meal or cleaned much past spills in the month since we brought Casen home. I'm not sure that Tucker has eaten anything healthy in that time frame either. I barely get a shower so I look like the wrath of God all the time. (Yay for visitors!) And as my husband and I pass each other trading off one baby for the other the thought of who we used to be pre-boys crosses my mind and I barely recognize the mere children we were at the time. I know, we asked for it! I couldn't do it without Chris and my family!!! They have been AMAZING! Truly I am married to the best Daddy I know and I was born into the greatest family on the planet. My Nana, Mom and sisters have gone above and beyond to help us. Really. I don't know that we'd have survived past the first  RSV ridden week without them.
Adoption. is. hard.
Parenting. is. REALLY. hard.
In this instance where we have been overly blessed all at once it's hard because God in His wisdom made it so you can't have babies any closer then 11 months apart. He knew three months and three weeks is just too close for anyone's sanity. But here we are because this is how He chose to build our family. And I know it's His plan. But for now when I feel like I can't see the light of day through dirty diapers, snotty noses and constant needs of these tiny humans that have been entrusted to me I'm needing Him to remind me that this is His plan and more importantly that He will see all five of us through these trying days often. Sometimes moment by moment.
Pray for us. Pray for patience, gratitude, rest and sanity. I want to do the very best I can at this Mom job I have. I know it's important. I want to raise wise, adventurous, compassionate boys who love Jesus, each other and their Momma.  I want to look back on these days and see how they refined me to look more like Jesus. But man, in the middle of this season it's hard to see past the immediate.
Thank you friends for this little venting session. I feel better.