Anxieties

I've heard from my friends that when you're pregnant you have weird dreams, anxieties and fears. For me, the same is true with adoption. They're just different and totally beyond my control! Which adds a whole other level of nervousness. We have our home study this Tuesday and so maybe that's why I'm thinking so much about these things, I don't know. But I wanted to get some of the things that are weighing on my heart off my chest so to speak. 

-- I'm worried about MY plan not working out. Typical, but unhealthy and unlikely. I know.

-- Timing. It's so hard to not know when a baby may arrive and what will be going on in our life around that time. I know with most second children most people try to help their first child achieve different goals before baby arrives. No such luxury with adoption or for Tuck.

-- Safety/health. Not being able to control what is going into our birth mom's body or our baby is nerve wracking! I don't know if she is exposing herself to unhealthy things or if she's eating enough or going to the doctor or taking her prenatal vitamins. All of this is out of my control. I had a friend who I stayed the night with that is preggo and she got sick almost immediately after taking her prenatal vitamins. It's her first baby and she was concerned about whether or not she should take more vitamins or not. I explained I didn't think it was that big of a deal to miss one day because so many babies go without for much, much longer. Just different perspectives.

-- It's hard to trust someone else to love your baby as much as you do. If anyone does, their Birth Mom certainly does, but still its hard. Not knowing her or her situation. My control freak nature really pushes against so much about this process. It's good for me, but difficult none the less.

-- I'm starting to wonder how long we'll wait for Baby 2. Tucker was SO fast and I know that it won't be the same this time, but I also hope we don't have wait for a super long time. I'm not a good waiter. And I'm already having to wait eight months before we're even being considered. I really enjoyed the three week "pregnancy" we had last time.

-- I also hope that we get to be there for the birth again. I know that we had the IDEAL labor, delivery and hospital experience with K and Tucker. I mean we were front row, center the whole time. It was so special and I want that with our second child as well. Amazing bonding experience for Chris and I with our Birth Mom and with Tucker.

-- I pray so often for our Birth Mom. For safety, support, wisdom, clarity, bravery, well being, wise choices for her and the baby, peace and the list goes on and on. I hope that she is loved by many and is receiving lots of support and affirmation from those around her. K didn't have that luxury, and I've always wished that for her.

I can't think of anything else at the moment. But I'm so anxious to meet our fourth family member and get to love that sweet baby. Just today Chris and I were talking about how big Tucker is getting. He is a little boy now, not a baby. I told Chris that's why I needed another baby to cuddle. Dear Baby 2, HURRY!!! Love your Momma.